Rugby Sevens Safety Tips

The Rugby Sevens is one of the few full-contact sports in which being a spectator in the stands is actually more dangerous than being a player on the field. To ensure that you have a fun and injury-free Sevens weekend, please commit the following tips to heart:

• Everyone likes a drink, but it’s easy to overdo the booze. Why not moderate your drinking this weekend? For example, you could impose a “three-drink limit,” meaning no more than three drinks in each hand at any given time.
• If you choose to streak, remember to lube up by smearing yourself in burger grease beforehand, making it harder for security guards to get a hold on you. This is also a good tip for the Hong Kong rugby team.
• If you are a child and you get lost, stay where you are and wait for a responsible adult. There should be one along by mid-to-late June.
• The South Stand is prone to overcrowding. Maintain your personal space by wearing an inflatable sumo suit. As an added bonus, if there’s an emergency you can simply roll to safety on to the pitch, where you stand a chance of being kicked for a conversion.
• Under-aged drinkers: if your mom calls, lock yourself in a quiet disabled bathroom stall and insist that you are revising for your bio exam with Kelvin. If she asks why you sound drunk, tell her it’s the fumes from Kelvin’s Tipp-Ex.
• Avoid overexposure to the sun by wearing SPF 15 on your face and SPF 50 on your genitals.
• If you are a rugby player, save money on a mouth guard by pre-emptively knocking out all of your teeth. This also saves a fortune on floss.
• If a drunken rugby fan is displaying signs of aggression: first, make sure that you are not standing between him and his beer. If he continues to approach, simply curl up into a ball and wait for him to lumber away. There’s a good chance that he’s a South Stander, and therefore has no interest in actual balls.
• A boost of Vitamin C will help keep your immune system functioning optimally. Buy a Pimm’s and chew the shit out of that orange slice. You’ll be hangover-free. Probably.
• You’ve heard of pre-gaming; why not try pre-IV-ing yourself to banish those alcohol poisoning blues? It’s sure to pay off come Monday morning.