The Whistleblower’s Guide to HK

Some international media outlets have been questioning whether NSA leaker Edward Snowden’s choice of Hong Kong as a bolt-hole is a smart one, but we think that our city is the perfect vacation spot for a whistleblower. Here’s why.

• With most of the embassies located in Admiralty, there’s plenty for holed-up whistleblowers to do while their parent country negotiates their extradition. Take a stroll around the caged aviary in Hong Kong Park, catch a prison film in Pacific Place, and wonder if your choice of safe haven was the right one over ribs and a Bloody Mary in Dan Ryan’s.
   
• Hong Kong has a wide breadth of accommodation for the discerning political stool pigeon. If you’re a leaker on a budget, an anonymous dive hotel in Prince Edward may suit your needs. If anyone gets suspicious, just tell them you’re looking for prostitutes. Backed by Wikileaks or a foreign government? Stay at a luxurious hotel instead. Nothing eases the tension of betraying the shadowy government forces that employed you like a rejuvenating spa treatment. Also, a kick-ass iPod dock in your suite.
   
• You probably didn’t know this, but the arrival of a whistleblower who compromised national security has triggered Regina Ip’s latent “Secretary for Security” persona. She wants you gone because you represent a danger to society. We want you gone because she’s looking thoughtfully at the file on her desk labeled “Article 23.”
   
• Worried about extraordinary rendition? Try the extraordinary dim sum buffet at Dragon-i (UG/F, The Centrium, 60 Wyndham St., 3110-1222) instead.
   
• With Hong Kong’s zero duty on wine, you can get as drunk as you like on affordable booze while contemplating the prospect of living in hiding in outback Gansu Province forever.
   
• Take a leaf from the Ai Weiwei playbook. Rearrange some tins of milk powder, take a few photos of your penis, and produce some artwork that legitimately criticizes the CCP. Get a Weibo. Wait three to seven minutes and the Chinese Government will kick down your door and whisk you off to a secure undisclosed location, indefinitely. Safe at last.
   
• Send a postcard to Julian Assange, care of the Ecuadorian Embassy, London. Choose one that says “WISH YOU WERE HERE AND NOT IN SELF-IMPOSED CONFINEMENT BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO FACE CRIMINAL CHARGES OF SEXUAL ASSAULT IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.”

Have fun in Hong Kong, whistleblower friend!