Noel Biderman

HK Magazine: Why did you create Ashley Madison?
Noel Biderman: I used to represent professional athletes. I got a phone call in the middle of the night from a player in Italy saying, “I have a huge problem. My wife wants to come visit me in Italy—my Italian wife’s not gonna like that.” There just didn’t seem to be respect for domestic bliss. Then I read an article where the writer wrote that, as a woman, she would never recommend a singles dating site, because so many men on there were imposters. A light bulb went off in my head: what if I built a universe for people who were married?

HK: What makes you think that Hong Kong needs a website for people to cheat?
NB: The perfect affair is meeting someone and not being discovered or having consequences. There’s a more efficient way to do it: that’s what technology tends to bring. Everything you know about infidelity is male-driven, whereas female infidelity isn’t being catered to. We’re leveling the playing field.

HK: But how do you get around the fact that adultery is illegal in Hong Kong?
NB: I’m not committing adultery. If adultery is illegal then do you hold the cab that takes you there responsible? We’re not in the adultery business. Illegality is only real if it’s enforceable. You tend to find that these laws manifested themselves hundreds of years ago. When was the last time someone went to prison in Hong Kong for adultery? It’s not truly a law.

HK: What would happen if a husband was searching the website and found his wife?
NB: That has probably been attempted. I think for the most part they have been fairly unsuccessful. Women are very pragmatic and I think they approach it in a thoughtful way. That’s not to say people haven’t been discovered. I think it’s almost done subconsciously—someone logs on to Ashley Madison, their partner walks by and sees it. That’s almost their way of starting a conversation about how terrible their marriage is.

HK: What do you say to people who claim you are “morally bankrupt”?
NB: Morality is a slippery slope. We have a societal narrative that says affairs are bad and people are bad for having them, and I don’t think it’s a fair judgment. People can stay married, or they can leave just to pursue sexual gratification. The second choice seems like a selfish one, and so an affair on some level is maybe a selfless act. It’s a way to preserve a marriage and do other things they find important.

HK: How would you defend your position that infidelity can help marriage?
NB: [If you’re unhappy] you can leave, or you can stay married and have an affair on the side. Who’s the wiser? Your kids won’t know. You’ll be less stressed, be a better partner. When women don’t get that sense of affection or passion, when the affair does enter their realm, they’re happier. Most of the time infidelity doesn’t get discovered and even when it is, the majority of couples survive it and many times can improve their relationship.