Here’s who you should feel sorry for: the weak, the sick, the old, the lame, the disfigured, the broken-familied, the unloved, the starving, the poor, the tormented, the persecuted, the mad, the destitute and the overburdened. Here’s who you shouldn’t feel sorry for: everyone else. A measure of empathy, yes; an understanding of the volatilities in life, yes; but not rivers of sympathy. Leave your attentions for those who need it—do not indulge the self-indulgent and their social media complaints. Doing this, however, is exceedingly hard, as Emerson noted in “Self-Reliance.”* We are conditioned to indulge others as the social lubricant of our society. You must nod sympathetically to the girl whose feet hurt because she chose to parade hills in Louboutins; you should cry foul because the banker only received a $250,000 bonus. Luckily I’m here to help, with a series of targeted answers to the most unsympathetic of problems. I’ve crafted these over years of living in excess and complaining about how unfair life has been for me, a Harvard-educated, high-income earning, tall, healthy adult male.** Banker/Lawyer/Consultant Complaints. “I’ve been working crazy hours on this deal. I’ve gotten home at 1am every night.” “Comp this year is ridiculous. It’s not even going to be half a buck.”*** Response: “Well, at least you’re rich.” Why: Firstly, people in these professions are rich. Secondly, they chose this job. Nobody wanders around aimlessly and bam! wakes up as an investment banker. These people in these professions are smart and resourced: they could have done other things that might have brought them more emotional satisfaction or a better lifestyle—but they chose their job because that’s where the money is. If you want to make a lot of money in life, go for it. But don’t complain that your life sucks and you could change if you were less myopic. “At least you’re rich” will be met with a backpedaling and an aw shucks not me, since bankers/lawyers/consultants feel the sting of knowing they’re richer than the common worker, but are still upset they’re not as rich as their peers. Reminding them of this will shut them up. Hot Girl Complaints. “Nobody takes me seriously.” “It’s tough to have guy friends since they always want to have sex with me.” Response: “Get really fat and avoid this problem entirely!” Why: In some ways, being a hot girl must be annoying. You never had to develop a personality so your personality probably sucks, guys do all want to have sex with you, and other girls kinda sorta hate you. On the other hand, you get tons of free stuff, attention and opportunities. If I were a hot girl, I’d leverage the shit out of this. Telling a hot girl to just get fat is one of those cut-the-line comments when one’s fishing. Society (especially HK) judges women so harshly on appearance that all hot girls innately understand how powerful/valuable their hotness is, and they’d never trade it in to deal with non-hot-girl problems. If you want to be known as more than a hot girl, get good at something: politics, stand-up comedy, table tennis—then you’ll be the skilled hot girl and wow, that’s hot! Expat Complaints. “My helper didn’t pack my tuxedo pants. Can you believe it?” “My helper changed the sheets to the yellow ones, not the white ones. Can you believe it?” “My helper didn’t pick up my 30 pounds of laundry. Can you believe it?” Response : “You’re an asshole.” Why: These are all things that I’ve said. And yes, I am an asshole. * YES! An Emerson reference. ** Was that a brag? A humblebrag? A couched brag? That’s for another column, dear reader. Also, being born male probably offers the most advantages on the basis of societal bias. *** Note: a “buck” means a million dollars. Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at email@example.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.