The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time
While the malls in Hong Kong have been playing Christmas music since early October, we’ve now entered the season where it’s socially acceptable to listen to holiday-themed tunes. Sean Hebert counts down a few tracks to avoid this year.
Band Aid – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” (1984)
Here’s a totally inoffensive question—do the starving children in Ethiopia even know how awesome Christmas is for all of London’s musicians? Did no one think it would sound insensitive for millionaires to gather and solemnly sing that it won’t snow in Africa this Christmas, where “the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears”? Songwriter, humanitarian and asshole Bob Geldof has since admitted that his charity track is “one of the worst songs in history,” and yet radio stations apparently never tire of reminding us that Bono once screamed: “tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you!” Jesus H, dude—seriously?
Michael Bublé – “Santa Baby” (2011)
I appreciate that the dreamy Canadian crooner has a sense of humor, but calling Father Christmas “Santa buddy,” “Santa pally” and—no word of a lie—“Santa Papi” in a sultry voice and then urging him to “hurry down the chimney tonight” is just plain creepy.
Paul McCartney – “Wonderful Christmastime” (1979)
Why won’t you let it die, Macca? Even the greats strike-out from time to time, but this bouncy synth tune is like a baseball bat directly to the festive face. And yet, McCartney released a new a-capella version of the track in 2013, and reportedly hauls in $400,000 annually from the royalties. Dear God, why?
Bon Jovi – “Back Door Santa” (1987)
I’m not beyond finding lines like “I ain’t like the old Saint Nick / he don’t come but once a year” funny, but contributing a rock cover of this overtly sexual blues track to a Special Olympics benefit album was perhaps not the finest moment of Bon Jovi’s career. It was later replaced—but sadly, it can never be destroyed.