The Hong Kong Survival Guide

We’ve all been there. It’s a gentle Sunday afternoon. The markets are bustling, ferries are meandering through the harbor, and then suddenly a zombie pandemic threatens to consume the entirety of Sheung Wan, Central and even Admiralty. Happens all the time. This is just one of the many issues we constantly face as Hongkongers, so we’ve put together this guide to get you through those annoying, everyday urban problems.

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Published: 4:00pm, 30 Jan 2014Updated: 4:01pm, 19 Oct 2016

How to Survive the Hong Kong Zombie Apocalypse

No one knows how it happens. A mutation of bird flu? A dormant strain of SARS? But the facts are simple: one morning you wake up, and nearly everyone you know has adopted a shambolic gait, a slack-jawed leer, and a burning desire for braaaaaiiins. Here’s what to do.

1. Tool Up.

You’re going to need weapons in a post-zombie world. You could break into an LCSD lockup and claim a chainsaw, but we’d advise waiting for the government to collapse before doing that. Until then, get good with other weapons. The HK Archery Centre (Shop 902, 20 Hillwood Rd., Jordan, 2739-8969, www.hk-archerycentre.com) sells pro-level archery equipment and offers one-to-one tuition for $500 per session Mon-Fri, or $600 on Saturdays.

2. Read Up.

There’s no better rule of survival than learning from the mistakes of others. Make a flying visit to Clark’s Comics (B7, B/F, Causeway Bay Centre, 15-23 Sugar St., Causeway Bay, 2890-7718) to stock up on back issues of hit zombie comic “The Walking Dead.” Then head to Lilliput Tales (The Crafties, 1/F, Sing Kui Commercial Building, 27 Des Voeux Rd. West, Sheung Wan, 9525-1531, www.lilliputtales.com) and pick up a “Walking Dead”-themed mossarium (prices from $580-1,800). After all: forewarned against the zombie hordes is forearmed. Until they eat your forearm.

3. Get to a Defensible Position.

Climb to high ground with a view. Tactically speaking, we’d recommend the terrace at Sevva (25/F, Prince’s Building, 10 Chater Rd., Central, 2537-1388) as it offers limited entrances, venue-exclusive lifts, and clear lines of sight over Statue Square—invaluable if you have to start defending your position. Alternatively, fight your way to a military barracks. Stanley Fort is a PLA garrison originally built in 1841, and the site of a last stand against invading Japanese forces in WWII. It might as well be the site of your last stand too. Alternatively, you could make your way to the Museum of Coastal Defense (175 Tung Hei Rd., Shau Kei Wan, 2569-1500). This was originally the Lei Yue Mun Fort, built to defend the harbor. With several gun batteries, a torpedo station covering the harbor, and lots of literature about defense of the territory, you might be able to hold out here: even zombies are weak against torpedos.

4. Evac via Heli.

There’s a good chance that the PLA will fly in to rescue you in a helicopter, but will meet with some mishap and the pilot will be dragged screaming out of the cockpit as his entrails are torn from his body. So make sure you know how to fly a heli. The Hong Kong Aviation Club (www.aviationclub.hk) will teach you to fly, but gaining a Private Pilot’s Licence (Helicopter) involves at least 40 hours of flight training, and about $140,000, plus club membership fees that can stretch to around $200,000. Not cheap. Perhaps you could glean the basics from a helicopter tour of Victoria Harbour from Heliservices (2802-0200, www.heliservices.com.hk), starting at $1,200 per seat. OK, you’re ready to bug out—but where to go? Wait, what’s that groaning from the seat behind you? Is it… a zombie???

5. Braaaaiiiinns.

Oh dear. You appear to have been bitten. You don’t have long. With your last ounce of humanity, ditch the heli in Macau and head to Toung King (1C Rotunda da Carlos Da Maia, Macau, (+853) 2856-0037) in the Three Lamps District for a MOP25 bowl of pig’s brain noodles. You may be turning into a terrifying member of the undead: but you can do it with taste.

How to Defeat your Mainland Clone

Oh crap! You’ve opened the door and who’s standing there but your Made in China clone! It looks like you, acts like you, and speaks Putonghua one heck of a lot better. You realize immediately that there is not enough room in the world for both of you. You attack, simultaneously: but of course, you fight to a standstill. Your clone knows your every move, and vice versa. Your only hope is to capitalize on your only difference: your inherent, snobby sense of superiority as a Hongkonger.