Chinese New Year Resolutions

Every year I write a “New Year’s Resolutions” column containing my New Year hopes, which—like everyone else’s—relate to my body, my relationships and my career. It’s been a month and I’ve forgotten all of them. So it’s time to make some new New Year’s resolutions. The only catch: since it’s Chinese New Year they have to be Asian Resolutions. I can say that because I’m half-Asian so it’s not racist. If you don’t believe me check out p.32 of The Official “Is this Racist?” Handbook, an imaginary tome I just made up. Here they are:

• Lose weight by eating every meal with only one chopstick (half-Asian, remember?).
• Bow instead of shaking hands at business meetings.
• Learn kung fu.
• Learn qigong when I realize that kung fu is really hard.
• Create a shot-for-shot remake of that hammer fighting scene from “Oldboy” except it’s me vs. stuffed animals.
• Eat something alive.
• Wear comfy slippers around the house.
• Purchase and use a huge clunky massage chair three times a week.
• Eat so many noodles on my birthday.
• Write angry YouTube comments about stereotypes after watching those “Shit Asian Parents Say” videos.
• Ace an All Look Same quiz.
• Get humorous Photoshops of myself done by the Korean or Chinese Photoshop trolls.
• If you didn’t get those last three, congratulations! You don’t waste as much time on the internet as I do. Oh crap, that wasn’t a resolution. Uh—Asian stuff.
• Hang out more in Victoria Park so I can watch high school couples in uniforms make out.
• Tell everyone about how great Jeremy Lin is.
• Start the next Hong Kong Food Trend.
• Try horsemeat to celebrate the Year of the Horse.
• Go horseback riding to celebrate the Year of the Horse.
• Watch some weird porn to celebrate the Year of the Horse.
• Get better at Mandarin.
• Learn enough Cantonese to understand how exactly taxi drivers are swearing at me.
• Resolve to go to Macau less but end up there all the time, like every year.
• Get a real dragon, like in “Game of Thrones” but one that’s Asian.
• Destroy all my enemies at Liar’s Dice.
• More whisky/green tea.
• Learn to sing one karaoke song well.
• More massages.
• Cheaper massages.
• Convince at least one dumb expat that massage parlors in Asia offer off-the-menu “sad endings.”
• Convince at least one dumb expat that everybody speaks Japanese here.
• Travel more around Southeast Asia.
• Except Singapore. That’s like going to the suburbs.
• Seduce a tai tai for her husband’s money.
• Talk loudly on my cell phone during a concert.
• Be more like Jay Chou.
• Popularize Mao Tai Mondays.
• Popularize fortune cookies in Chinese restaurants here.
• Popularize fortune cakes in American restaurants here.
• Convince a white girl and an Asian guy to date.
• Strengthen my squatting muscles.
• Slurp.
• Stop drinking coffee. Start drinking Bo Lei tea
• Wear more branded designer clothes.
• Kiss a girl (Asian).

Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at [email protected] or @yaluntu on Twitter.