Five Ways to Enjoy Phuket
To Hongkongers, Phuket may feel like a tired holiday destination. But whether it's your fifth or even your 15th visit, there's always something new to do. And so my editor sent me on a press trip to Phuket with a single objective: to pack as many different vacations as possible into a single day. Did I triumph? Or did I just lie around on a beach for 24 hours?
Midnight-7am
Phuket with the Wolf Pack
We fly into Phuket late in the day, and as my colleagues bed down for an early start, I arrange for a private car to pick me up at midnight for my first Phuket vacation: a wild stag night in the town's main drinking drag.
No buddies? No problem. I'm sure I'll find a group of dudes to glom onto once I get there. As I ready myself for my big night out, grand visions dance in my mind of escaping the close watch of my handlers to do some guerilla journalism. But this is Phuket, not Pyongyang. My handlers are friendly PR ladies and my mission is not espionage but rather to get spoiled at the Angsana Laguna Phuket, a stunning, top-tier beachside resort on the island’s west coast that is hosting me for this trip. This evening's excursion, however, isn’t on any itinerary but my own.
“You want to drink with naked girls and stay out all night?” asks my driver, dutifully following the script scribed into the official “Hospitality for Morally Bankrupt White People” handbook. Looking back at the moonlit fountains and crisply uniformed staff at the Angsana, I ready myself for a trip via tornado straight out of Kansas.
As far as Asian party destinations go, Patong—Phuket’s largest beach resort—is legendary. The boozy stretches of Bangla Road are a veritable playground, offering sinners and spectators alike everything from dollar beers and elaborate nightclubs to crass souvenirs and gynecological acrobatics. With beer girls pulling at my sleeve every four steps, I end up with a street table in front of the eyesore that is Black Cat Bar (Bangla Road and Soi Gonzo).
With a pint in hand, my mission is to scan the streets for potential Wolf Packs, but it appears that most bros have brought their own partners-in-crime from home. There’s a disconcerting number of tourist families walking the strip. What are they thinking, bringing their 10-year-old kids here? Is this a thrown-into-the-deep-end way to teach the birds and the bees? How will they field the inevitable questions about the—ahem—birdybees?
My futile search for bros continues on Soi Sea Dragon, an offshoot of Bangla where the leggy and busty ladies outside the endless line of go-go bars promise entertainment that would make the editors at Hustler blush. As I stand among the sleaze, a giggling group of identically dressed bridesmaids asks me if I’ll help with their “checklist”—specifically the act of getting a ladyboy to lift her skirt. Well, that sets the tone for the rest of the evening. Most of what happened between my fourth tequila body shot and the part where I arm-wrestled a motorbike driver for a lift home has been redacted by my editor. And my brain.