God is obviously super mad at Hong Kong right now. Why else would He have rained down a bunch of plagues upon us last weekend? The Plague of Torrential Rain At 11am last Saturday morning, pitch-black clouds rolled in, turning the sky as dark as night. The heavens opened, the LORD attempted to smite the earth of the plague of Rugby Sevens Tourists. And yet, the drunken Anglophones remained, brawling and gnashing and rutting in the darkening gloom of their coliseum pit. The Plague of “Powerfully Built” African Women Offering Sex to Drunk Westerners in Wan Chai, Robbing Them and then Bundling Them into Trash Cans After witnessing firsthand the wanton sin and degradation of Wan Chai, the LORD then sent an army of avenging angels to punish the drunken westerners who ignored his torrent. The angels tempted them with their sensual siren song, before robbing them. And yet, the Anglophones remained. The Plague of People Posting Inane Facebook Status Updates About the Rain Lo, and the LORD said, “Let all who gaze upon the Book of Face be instantly bored and annoyed by their friends’ ceaseless rain photos, in the hopes that they see in themselves the vain and self-aggrandizement that comes with the worship of oneself on social media.” But it was not to be, and the tidal wave of very similar looking rain images beat on ceaselessly across feeds. This had no effect on the Anglophones, who had all lost their iPhones in the back of a cab on Friday night. The Plague of Beached Whales The sea had wept, possibly for the Zhuhai-HongKong-Macau Bridge to Nowhere, but perhaps also as a warning to the teeming mass of Anglophone flesh that continued to fester in the city. But the Anglophones were unaware, if not sympathetic, bloated and entangled as they were in their own soiled hotel room sheets. The Plague of Flooded Shopping Centers Finally, the LORD said, “These Anglophones remain mired in sin and evil, despite my attempts to turn them to good. So I shall smite their holy temples with cascades of hail, and waterlog their designer handbags, until they cry out for mercy and amend their wicked ways.” But rather than the tourists, it was the Hongkongers who were hurt by the Destruction of the Malls. The Hongkonger wailed at the injustice, while the Anglophones went right on drinking until they passed out. “Oops,” said the LORD. And yet, still, the Anglophones remained.