Hong Kong judges have been ordered by a “White Paper” issued by Beijing to “love China” while conducting their judiciary work. This is going to cause big problems for dozens of white Anglo-Saxon male judges recruited to Hong Kong from western common law countries such as Great Britain and Australia. The WASP expat judges are supposed to offer Hong Kong an impartial, distanced, rational and independent mindset. Not unlike that English teacher Anna, who was seconded to the palace of Siam in the mid-19th century, and who upheld and promoted a different value system than a court ruled by eunuchs, women slaves and a misogynistic emperor. Our judges’ love of China might have been limited, upon accepting a job from the Hong Kong SAR legal department, to being able to wield chopsticks when eating Yeung Chow Fried Rice from their local Chinese restaurant in Melbourne or Bristol. So it would be a wise contingency to organize an intensive Love China Course for Foreign Judges (LCCFJ), tailor-made for expat judges to help them catch up. Apart from a mandatory awe-arousing tour to the Great Wall and Forbidden City in Beijing, western judges should learn of classical Chinese legal terms and concepts like Sha Qian Dao (Death by a Thousand Cuts) and Gong Shen (Trial by the People)—and they should understand that being presumed guilty is the starting point of all Chinese legal thinking. No, a Chinese court normally does not sentence an adulteress to death by stoning. But occasionally a Chinese wife could take up some European medieval justice into her own hands, by pouring fuel on a mistress from behind and torching her with a lighter on the street. If such a case comes to a British or Australian high court judge’s scrutiny in Hong Kong, the “Love China” principle would quietly apply, depending on whether the murderess is found to be the wife of a senior communist party official like Bo Xilai. If so, the accused should receive a lenient sentence on the “Love China” basis. The Beijing office in Sai Wan, which serves as a top advisory body, would probably offer tips when necessary. Each of the gweilo judges would need a young pretty personal Chinese female adviser (or handsome effeminate boy, to taste) attached to his office. Her duties would include day-to-day routine instruction of Opium War history, some basic Putonghua sessions, and foot massages. As the “Love China” awareness deepens with more supervisory phone calls from those who care from the top, High Court sessions should start opening, like the daily TV news broadcast, with a minute-long soundclip of the Chinese national anthem through an amplifier in the courtroom, with the judges required to stand up in respect. These music drills can serve as a kind of religious meditation for the judges to reflect upon. Give it a few years, and the white paper could turn some gray-silk-wearing whites into mature reds. A good vintage lies ahead. Chip Tsao is a best-selling author, columnist and a former producer for the BBC. His columns have also appeared in Apple Daily, Next Magazine and CUP Magazine, among others.