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Buy a Proper British Map
Once upon a time, half of the world was colored pink for the British Empire. Revisit the glory days by picking up an old map of Hong Kong in its better days from Wattis Fine Art (2/F, 20 Hollywood Rd., Central, 2524-5302) at the bottom of Old Bailey Street.
 


Captain Belcher’s first map of Hong Kong: here be political unrest

 
The store specializes in vintage prints from a time when the world made more sense, when Britannia was a ship as well as a figurehead, when the British subdued a large percentage of the world’s population in order to bolster their own economy. *sniff*. Those were the days.
 
See the Remnants of the Defense of Hong Kong

December 8-25, 1941: the Battle of Hong Kong. It might not have been Britain’s most famous victory (well, it wasn’t a victory at all) but Hong Kong was one of the first theaters in the Pacific War, and the relics of the defense of the colony stand all around us. Visit the Pinewood Battery in the Lung Fu Shan Country Park, which was abandoned after it was more or less flattened by Japanese air raids and artillery on December 15. The area is now a picnic site: it’s an easy stroll from the Peak to Hatton Road, where signs point the way to the proud ruin of a once great fortification.
 
Then head to Stage Two of the MacLehose Trail to see the Shing Mun Redoubt, once a bastion of the Gin Drinkers Line, Hong Kong’s very own Maginot Line. Does that sound worryingly French? No fear: the tunnels running through this area are all named after London streets—the better to help the colonial forces navigate the trenches. 
 


The No. 15 bus goes from SOMEWHERE around here
 

Show Some Colonial Pride

The colonial flag might have been recently co-opted by anti-China protesters: but that means it’s easier than ever to pick up the banner of the good old days. Head to Tai Da Flags (406 Shanghai St., Yau Ma Tei, 2388-8292) for all your ancient ensign needs. Of course, if you unfurl your new colors in the middle of Central, you may be tackled to the ground by an Occupy Central police taskforce and banged up in prison for seditious behavior.
 

The flag of… rebellion?
 
Get Smashed at the Dairy Farm
Once the Old Dairy Farm Depot, the striped building on the corner of Wyndham, Upper Albert and Ice House Streets is home to two of the best boozers in Hong Kong: the art-tastic Fringe Club (2 Lower Albert Rd., Central, 2521-7251) and the ever-vinous, members-only Foreign Correspondents’ Club (2521-1511). Many a colonial hangover has propped up the FCC bar. They are still there now.
 

The Fringe Club: arty mecca
Send a Letter

Here’s an idea. If you’re really missing the UK, then there is only one way to convince England to take us back. Yes, you will have to sit down and write a letter to:
 
The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA
United Kingdom
 
Once you have done so, you should send a letter from one of the territory’s remaining colonial postboxes. They may have been painted green-and-purple instead of a regal red, but they’ll still get your letter there. The Hong Kong Postbox Search Team keeps a database of all the remaining colonial-style postboxes left in Hong Kong: 59 are still in active service, while six have been retired—some even retain their old colors. Track down an in-service colonial-style postbox with this handy map. Alternatively, visit the still-red pillar postbox standing outside the Conservancy Association Centre for Heritage (36A Western St., Sai Ying Pun, 2291-0238), and deliver your missive on the wings of colonialism itself.
 

 



Scottish Independence Corner


 
We get it. You don’t want to be part of the UK anymore. Makes sense, really, it’s cold and wet and everyone is incredibly dour. Unlike the Scots. Still, even in an ex-colony, you can separate yourselves. 
 
Get a Kilt Made
Any Scotsman worth his haggis ought to be the proud owner of a kilt, made with his clan’s tartan. Get one made at Yuen’s Tailor (2/F, Shop 233, Escalator Link Alley, 80 Des Voeux Rd., Central, 2815-5388), which used to dress the officers of the British garrison in Hong Kong. Tailor brothers Johnny and Bonny Yuen will cut you one to fit from $6,000—or rent you one from $1,000. And are you meant to wear anything underneath? “Finding out is part of the fun,” grins Bonny.

Is that a sporran on your kilt or are you just… oh, yes it is
 
Take Bagpipe Lessons
Jings! Is that the sound of six cats engaged in a passionate piece of Brechtian death-sex theater? Oh, no, it’s just an amateur bagpiper. Get better with lessons courtesy of Chris Lee (9876-6035, www.leecholam.com), an award-winning Hong Kong bagpiper. He teaches private or group lessons at all levels, and also gives workshops and seminars. A private lesson begins at $400 per hour. But you don’t need to shell out for the full set of bagpipes: beginners start with a “practice chanter,” a small, quiet, affordable instrument that won’t keep the neighbors up all night. Where’s the fun in that?
 
Live the Reel Life
Alternatively, throw a private “Secession from the Union” party and invite the Hong Kong St. Andrews PipeBand (www.pipeband.org.hk, from $1,000 per hour for one piper) to play. Don’t know how to dance, Scots-style? What kind of a bairn are you? The Hong Kong Highlanders’ Reel Club holds dance meetups every Monday evening (Hong Kong Cricket Club, 137 Wong Nai Chung Gap Rd., Happy Valley, www.hkhighlanders.com). Beginners’ classes start at 7pm, and a more informal dance runs from 8-10pm, ye ken?
 

What a bunch of droners (Photo: St. Andrew’s Pipe Band)
 




Raise a Pint to the Queen




Craft beer? What a load of old tosh. Sometimes you just have to lift a glass of bitter to Her Maj. Do it at the venerable if proudly disreputable Old China Hand (104 Lockhart Rd., Wan Chai, 2865-4378) or pick from the list of bottled ales at Trafalgar (5/F, The Broadway, 54-62 Lockhart Rd., Wan Chai, 2110-1535). Failing all that, you’ll want to make for the vast leather booths and dark wood of The Chinnery (1/F, Mandarin Oriental, 5 Connaught Rd. Central, 2825-4009). And remember: if you switch to drinking port, you must always pass the bottle to the left. 
 

The Chinnery: Pint of your finest, landlord
 
Stay in an Old Barracks
The Lyemun Barracks was once home to the valiant British Army. These days it’s the Lei Yue Mun Park and Holiday Village (75 Chai Wan Rd., Chai Wan, 2568-7455), complete with a horse-riding school. What was once the Officers’ Mess is now a hostel with beautiful views of the Lei Yue Mun channel. It’s a 10-minute walk from Chai Wan Road, or a quick taxi from Shau Kei Wan MTR station, and there’s a free shuttle bus from the MTR station for campers.
 

In case you hadn't noticed: this was once a barracks. (Photo: LCSD)

 

Reminisce About the Good Old Days of Cardboard Sandwiches
Marks and Spencer has just opened up an M&S Food (Kinwick Centre, 32 Hollywood Rd., Central) just next to the escalator. Pop by for a reminder of all the best in food that Blighty has to offer: soggy bacon, wilting lettuce, and bread that tastes like it was reconstituted from newspaper. Thankfully, anything that’s not a sandwich is actually delicious. Toasted teacakes, proper English Breakfast teabags and rhubarb crumble? Heaven.
 
Get a Proper Cuppa
Admittedly, TWG Tea Salon & Boutique (Shop 1022, IFC Mall, 8 Finance St., Central, 2796-2828) is a Singaporean brand, not a British one. But Singapore was a British colony too, and this brand sells all the great British (well, Indian) blends: from the classic Earl Grey to a more adventurous Darjeeling. And remember: milk first, then tea. What are you, some kind of a heathen?
 


Earl Grey? Darljeeling, he mint nothing to me. It was a lapsang souchong of judgement
 

Visit the Court of Final Appeal
What could be more British than the Court of Final Appeal (1 Battery Path, Central), home to the rule of law? Why, this fine colonial structure is as British as scones and clotted cream. Wait, what do you mean it’s known as the “Former French Mission Building”? It was renovated by the French in 1915? Pah! We take it all back!
 


Nothing like a good proper British colonial building… wait, what? (Photo: Antiquities and Monuments Office)

 
Channel Noël Coward at the Noonday Gun
Make your way to the Excelsior, take the underpass, and emerge by the Noonday Gun to sing in full-throated ease: “In Hong Kong they strike a gong and fire off a noonday gun / To reprimand each inmate who’s in late... but mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun!” Perspire insanely and regret leaving the aircon.
 


SCMP veteran Jack Spackman fires the Noonday Gun to mark his farewell from Hong Kong, 1988 (Photo: Peter Tse/SCMP)


 

Toast the Sunset of the Empire
It’s been a successful colonial jaunt thus far. You’ve flown the flag, you’ve seen the finest architecture—hey, you’ve probably subdued a native or two in the process. It’s time to celebrate it all with a final drink overlooking the harbor the British built. Head up to Sugar at the Swire-owned East Hotel (32/F, East Hotel, 29 Taikoo Shing Rd., Quarry Bay, 3968-3738.), and order a fabulously colonial Grey Goose Gunner (vodka, ginger ale, ginger beer and Angostura bitters, for a very reasonable $50 on Sundays), and toast the sun gliding beneath the South China Sea. Watch a ferry slide out of the harbor and be reminded of Her Majesty’s Yacht Britannia as she made her stately exit from Victoria Harbour on July 1, 1997. Oh, god. It’s never coming back, is it? The Empire is dead.
 

Come back! Come back! Oh, GOD!
 
Oh well. Screw it. Who’s up for beef brisket noodles at Kau Kee (21 Gough St., Central, 2850-5967)?
 




Go On My Son Go On Get In
There is nothing more British than running around in the mud and rain endlessly as you watch your hopes and dreams evaporate into nothingness. But we can’t all be CY Leung at a political rally. Why not take part in these orfully British sports instead?
 
Play Croquet
You may not be able to play croquet in Hong Kong (not enough flamingos), but you can play Gateball—croquet’s faster, younger cousin. There are nine public gateball courts across town: Get in touch with the Hong Kong China Gateball Association (7/F, Shanghai Centre, 473-475 Shanghai St., Mong Kok, 2385-6082) to find out more.
 
Go Green with Lawn Bowls
Want a gentle, skilled sport? Give lawn bowls a try. The Hong Kong Lawn Bowls Association (www.hklba.org) organizes tournaments and social events, holds “fun days” to promote the sport with demonstrations and lessons for all, and also runs training courses ($100-200) for interested parties to get you up to speed. And with seven public lawn bowling greens across the SAR, you’re never far from a couple of lovely balls.
 

Good bowl! (Photo: Stephanie Worth)
 


 

 

a) William Des Vœux, Governor of Fiji, Newfoundland and Hong Kong.
		 
b) Prince Arthur, Duke of Connaught and Strathearn, son of Queen Victoria.
		 
c) Major-General Sir George Charles d’Aguilar, Lieutenant Governor of Hong Kong.
		 
d) James Bruce, 8th Earl of Elgin, British High Commissioner in China and son of the Marbles guy.
		 
e) Edward Belcher, Nova Scotian naval officer who made the first survey of Hong Kong Island in 1841 from HMS Superior.
		 
f) Sir Catchick Paul Chater, Dairy Farm and Hongkong Land founder.
		 
g) Karl Friedrich August Gützlaff, German missionary, interpreter and member of the Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge in China.
 
Highlight here for answers: 1)f 2)e 3)d 4)g 5)b 6)c 7)a

 


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God, I Miss the Empire: In search of Hong Kong's Colonial Past

Magazines

It’s been 17 years since the Handover. Tell you a secret: it’s been dreadful. We miss our colonial overlords, with their autocratic ways and their bland food and their emotional ineptitude. Can we bring the days of glory back to the SAR? Adam White gives it a go.
