CY Leung’s third policy address has outlined a scheme to encourage second- or third-generation Hong Kong immigrants to come back to Hong Kong. While rooting through the trash cans at Government House, we discovered an early draft of his speech in which he makes the case. ABCs, BBCs, CBCs and all other BCs: it’s time to come home, kids. Yes—home. Today I am announcing a new scheme to make it easy for the descendants of those traitors who left the SAR to come home. Come back, friends. All is forgiven. If you are sick and tired of being the “token nerdy Asian” in your home country, then come right on back to Hong Kong, friend! This is the only place in the world where the overseas Chinese is the coolest kind of Chinese! Unless you’re Canadian, of course. I know your parents had their reasons. Some of them emigrated overseas because they were scared of the post-1997 future of Hong Kong—scared that Hong Kong would become another cog in the big China machine, with no freedom or rule of law. Well, the good news is you don’t need to fear this any longer: it has already come true. So come on back home. Some of your parents emigrated because they wanted a better life for their kids, in countries with more opportunities. Overseas, you were educated well and brought up right. You’re probably a doctor, lawyer or an architect. Now that you can make us money, it is your filial duty to come back. Perhaps you are bored of your humdrum life, with its Western decadence. I can fix that. In Hong Kong you can live a super-decadent expat lifestyle: but thanks to your ethnicity, you can pretend to be cultural, and scoff when your Western friends can’t pronounce “Tsingtao.” Who cares if your Cantonese is awful? You’re not going to be speaking it to anyone. Come back! All these Occupy protests have been great for one thing: now we can arrest all the troublemakers. That’s left some great spots open for all kinds of leaders. Want to take over a student union or pan-dem political party? There’s a job here for you, subject to approval from a CCP committee or two. Come right on back! And if nothing else, hey—you can always get a job at an investment bank. Come back, friends. Hong Kong welcomes you. Not China, sure—but Hong Kong welcomes you.