I used to have a Messiah complex. It was just one of those things. And not the Keanu Reeves Messiah Complex where you’re like I am the One; I know kung fu, but the Sucky Messiah Complex where you date insane people because you think I can fix you. I’m not sure how people end up with this complex but it’s probably a combination of curiosity and ego, both of which I have in spades. Hey, my life’s pretty good! Why don’t I date a crazy girl to see what happens? What could go wrong?
People would ask me, “So what happened to so-and-so?” (that was her name, she’s Korean*), and I’d be like, “Oh man, so-and-so turned out to be crazy.” The thing is—I always knew. You can tell early on but you ignore it because she has other assets, like, you know, boobs. Or a good personality.** I’d ignore the warning signs and three months later I’d be in a screaming match when a girl found a hair in our apartment that was actually her own hair, but she had forgotten she’d dyed it.
But maybe you’re different. Maybe you’re so oblivious that you can’t tell the bunny boilers from the ramen boilers. Coincidentally, you’re probably also a moron. But what if you’re not? Here’s a handy list of indicators:
- If he/she seems crazy the first time you meet, the person is crazy. You never hear, “At first I met Nick and thought he was a really jealous controlling guy, but he turned out to be really sweet.” This has never happened in the history of time.
- Crazy eyes. You know what I’m talking about.***
- Crazy laugh. A crazy laugh happens with both sexes, but more often females. She’ll say some sort of insecure thing like “And that’s why I don’t have any girlfriends,” laugh insanely for a few seconds then stop abruptly, which is terrifying and also confusing since the statement wasn’t funny.
- If his/her Instagram/FB posts are about what they deserve, you’re with a crazy. If you see some variation of “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best,” ABORT immediately. Hang out instead with someone who likes camping. They’re not crazy, just smelly.
- If your date pulls you aside in front of everyone at a party he/she’s probably cray-cray. I was on a junk trip once and a girl was putting on sunscreen. Suddenly, I hear some guy screaming “Babe, babe, can I talk to you” and grabbing her and having a 20-minute fight about how she’s flaunting her body in front of everyone. Non-crazies don’t do that. They just act weird and passive-aggressive. What? No, nothing’s wrong. Unless you did something to make me angry. Which you didn’t, right?
- More than three missed calls in an hour. Unless it’s an emergency, if you don’t pick up, I’ll go back to watching Vine compilations. Chillax, yo.
- Any reference to when you were last online as shown by your Whatsapp status. Look, we all check to see when our partners were last online. But you can’t ask them about it. Because you look like a psycho.
- If he or she was ever previously engaged after dating someone for less than three months. Going on a holiday with no luggage? Spontaneous. Making big life decisions with no information? Crazy.
- If he/she just “shows up” where you are more than three times.
- Anyone who suggests you should share your email password. Bonus crazy points if they suggest sharing a joint email. Exception: you’ve been married 20 years. You kids are just crazy in love!
- If you wake up at night to your partner watching you. I know this is a cliché but once, 10 years ago, I woke up and this girl was just staring at me. I said, “Hi.” She said, “You’re a strange creature” then did the crazy laugh. We dated for a year.
- If you’re drawn to dating crazy people: you.
* It’s a joke not racist shut up.
** Boooooobs.
*** Make sure to look up at the eyes. It’s important!
Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.