Sevens Costumes 2015

It’s my second favorite column of the year! What should you dress up as at this year’s Sevens?

• Guardians of the Galaxy. This is my lock. It’s a co-ed costume so guys and girls can go together wearing it. Guys in good shape will be happy to paint themselves green and go around shirtless and fat guys can pretend to be a tree since nobody will pay attention to them anyway.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Michael Bay version came out and the turtles were JACKED.. Similar concept—shirtless guys painted green. You’re welcome, Hong Kong.
• The Incredible Hulk. I think you guys get the point.
• Greek Goddesses. Super easy if you’re a girl. Wear a white dress and and walk around telling people “I bless you” or “bless you” if they sneeze.
• Tom Cruise in "Risky Business." Apparently that’s a thing. It sounds horrible. Don’t do it.
• The shipping market. Did you know that the dry bulk shipping market is the worst market we’ve seen in recorded history? That’s terrifying. So a great costume would be a boat that’s sinking. On second thought, that’s a terrible idea. Go as Tom Cruise in "Risky Business."
• Baseball Team in jerseys. Yawn.
• Baseball Team from New Jersey. Yawn.
• Football Team. Yawn yawn.
• Cowboys and Indians. Yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn
• General Aladeen from "The General." Yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn kill yourself.
• An English Guy dressing up as a girl. Here’s how I think this one goes down:
  • Hey Nigel, what do you want to dress up at for the Sevens?
  • I haven’t given it much thought, Wilfred. What should we do?
  • Well, are we English?
  • Yes, we are.
  • Are we overweight?
  • It appears so.
  • Why don’t we wear a bra and nothing else so we can show our fat stomachs?
  • Just one question, Nigel.
  • Yes, Wilfred?
  • WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A BLOODY GENIUS!

• A chef at a celebrity restaurant 6 months after it’s open. Show up. Act really confused and incompetent. Make high-end food but make it taste terrible. Charge people $10,000 for a subpar dinner (and wine!).
• A guy who went to Harvard. Tell everyone you went to school “in Boston” and hope that they push you so you can say, “I went to Harvard.” Practice your smug laugh from the box.
• A girl who went to Princeton. Same deal.
• A ram. It IS the year of the sheep. Just avoid the Greek Goddesses. You’ll be sacrificed in no time.
• A person who writes Yalun Tu hate mail comments on Facebook. That’s right, I read everything you write. Oh wait, I don’t. I have a life.
• You just got burned. That’s not a costume idea.
• A standup comedian. Blazer, t-shirt, jeans, mediocre jokes. Come see my show at the Takeout Comedy Club!
• A lame Chinese couple. Hello matching outfits, goodbye friends!
• A gambling addict in Macau. Walk around with a gold card and wait to see people gambling without their rewards card. This will be everyone since you’re at the Sevens and not inside a casino. Great. Now hand them the card and tell them to put it in the machine. They will look at you confused. Now drink a lot of milk tea and bite them.
• Armies of Unicorns. I asked my friend who always dresses up for the Sevens and she said “armies of unicorns” matter-of-factly, like why-didn’t-I-know-that and how-out-of-touch-are-you. Alright, then.
• Some stupid thing from a Marvel movie. Not Guardians of the Galaxy, obviously.
• The Joker. But pretend that the movie just came out. So walk around saying Joker things and then tell everyone how Christopher Nolan is a genius and there is no way they could ruin a third movie by having Batman break his back, heal it in three months, and somehow sneak into Gotham when nobody else has been able to get in for three months and find Catwoman just waiting around somehow.
• Slutty guy/girl. I bet nobody will dress up like this.
• A Chinese New Year Dragon. Every year I say this and every year nobody does this. Come on, Hong Kong. We’re better than this.
• A paratrooper. This is a good costume because you can sneak into a box on the corner then jump off and parachute into the South Stands without waiting in line.
• An Occupy HK protester replete with yellow umbrella. This is an insensitive costume as you’re conflating the protest for the right to representation with a set of rugby matches whose tickets are so expensive that only relatively wealthy people can afford it. Expect to see lots of these costumes.

Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at [email protected] or @yaluntu on Twitter.