The Cheaters’ Database
Affair-friendly dating website Ashley Madison was hacked this week, with the antagonists threatening to leak the identities of the site’s infidelity-prone users. We’ve got an early glimpse of the database, and you’d be surprised to hear who’s casting about for a little bit on the side.
Name: CY Leung
Looking for: A strong, independent leader of a massive nation who can dominate me and tell me what a good boy I am when I do naughty things.
About me: I’m no stranger to sneaking around behind people’s backs, which makes me the perfect partner for you. No external forces or fatties.
Name: Jasper Tsang
Looking for: The strong, silent type.
About me: This is really difficult for me, because loyalty is the most important thing in my life. However, I’m desperate to get away from that shrill, shrewish harpy who’s constantly needling me for everything I do wrong. His name is Long Hair.
Name: Li Ka-shing
Looking for: A like-minded person to share in long walks on moonlit beaches and luxury property development.
About me: I’m a self-made man just looking for someone to share my dreams with. Must like multimillion dollar developments, hobnobbing with the elite and the words “Mister Li, you’re so talented and auspicious.” No timewasters or Cecil Chao.
Name: John Tsang
Looking for: An experienced gold-digger to make my wildest dreams come true.
About me: I signed up to this site because Regina told me that it was full of gold-diggers. I am a 64-year-old Financial Secretary currently seeking miners experienced in extracting precious metals from the earth in order to add to my ever-increasing horde of gold and riches. No fatties.
Name: Cecil Chao
Looking for: Handsome, rich men who look like a young Cecil Chao.
About me: I’m a multimillionaire playboy who doesn’t need to arrange illicit liaisons to get laid. I just want to find a nice man for my daughter.
Name: Carrie Lam
Looking for: A fun-loving government official for some no-strings-attached fun.
About me: I just want to spend some time with someone who isn’t CY Leung. Please?