Market Crash Survival Tips
Yes, it’s been a pretty bad week for the Chinese (and global) stock market. But these six foolproof tips are sure to get you through the worst of the crash.
1) Buy, Buy, Buy.
This is a rare opportunity for the courageous investor. Everyone dumping their stock? Snap it all up again. Borrow money, remortgage the house, visit shady money-lenders... Do what you gotta do to raise the capital. Once you have obtained the Most Stocks In The World, then you will have Won Finance!
2) Advertise Your Way To Success.
Buy Google AdWords advertising that’s tied to the phrase “China Stock Market.” When people Google in desperation, your website will come up: It’s a captive audience! Other search strings to invest in: “china market what next”; “china market help”; “no money how survive”; “mistress upkeep low budget.”
3) Get Out Now.
If your money’s not in the markets, it can’t be affected. Right? Simply withdraw all of your savings in $1,000 notes and use them to line your mattress until a) the market recovers, b) a freak kitchen accident sees your life’s work literally go up in flames, or c) inflation makes your money totally meaningless within a decade. The latter is by far the most likely outcome.
4) Go on Holiday.
Anyone with an important job or any money at all is bound to be anxiously watching the China markets. That makes this the perfect time to visit Monaco, Luxembourg or other such tax havens which would otherwise be full of insufferable people who own pink trousers and knot their pullovers around their shoulders. Alternatively, you could go visit the city’s golf and country clubs instead.
5) Diversify Those Revenue Streams.
Head to Macau and put the remainder of your cash on number 25. After all, with a one-in-36 chance of winning big, your odds here are better than they are on a volatile half-state-controlled stock market. Plus at least if you lose in Macau, they put you out of your misery by breaking your face.
6) Tighten Your Belts.
If you’re a billionaire like Asia’s richest man Wang Jianlin, who lost an almighty US$3.6 billion in a single day, then face facts: it’s time to buckle down and rely on that remaining personal fortune of US$31.2 billion to get you through the lean times ahead. Consider cutting back on spending when it comes to extravagances such as private jets, supercars or 600-square-foot flats in Kennedy Town.