HK Magazine Archive

Transcend This

PUBLISHED : Thursday, 17 September, 2015, 4:00pm
UPDATED : Wednesday, 19 October, 2016, 4:50pm

Last week Zhang Xiaoming, the director of the central government liaison office, gave a speech saying that the Chief Executive “possesses a special legal position that transcends the executive, the legislature and the judiciary.” We’ve looked into it and it turns out that there’s quite a lot the CE is allowed to transcend…

All Appeals to Reason.

A 2005 speech by a mid-level Liaison Office official relieved the office of the Chief Executive of any responsibility to listen to reasoned, logical debate. This landmark decision has freed up the CE to behave not according to his conscience, but according to how he’s told to act.

The Line at D-i.

While it was long assumed that the Chief Executive would have to queue like the rest of us to get into Dragon-i—a mere 10-minute walk from Government House—a close reading of the Basic Law has revealed that the CE is in fact able to walk straight to the front of the line and he will be waved through with no trouble. This does not apply to Tazmania Ballroom, where the CE must queue with the rest of us.

The Conservative “Rules” of So-called “Society.”

Thanks to a quiet word with Premier Li Keqiang at the urinals just off the Great Hall of the People in July, the Chief Executive is permitted to appear at all official functions in the nude, or “skyclad.” However, he must loop a red ribbon around his testes to signify an awareness of the precarious position he is in.

 “Transcendence” (2014).

This lackluster movie about the rise of an all-powerful man/machine intelligence didn’t win over audiences. But with Hollywood courting the Chinese market, NPC Standing Committee chair Zhang Dejiang has now authorized the face of the Chief Executive to be superimposed on top of Johnny Depp’s in all scenes, making it even more unwatchable.

The Limitations of Our Frail Physical Forms.

Thanks to a recent CPPCC adjudication, the Chief Executive is now able to shrug off his earthly shell and journey into the realm of the soul, there to commune with luminaries of nuanced political thought such as Karl Marx, J.S. Mill and Tung Chee-hwa, who is a gifted spirit walker.

Death Itself.

As decreed by President Xi Jinping over bagels last Tuesday, the Chief Executive of Hong Kong will be remembered forevermore, living on in the hearts and minds of Hongkongers from now until the end of time. However, in a stunning lapse of judgment Xi has forgotten to specify what we’re actually meant to think of him. Whoopsie!