Take That, Britain
Britain’s biggest stately home has been bought by the Hong Kong-based Lake House investment group. The 365-room Georgian mansion Wentworth Woodhouse was bought for a reported sum of more than £8 million ($94 million). We’ve heard some rumors about what the Hong Kong consortium is going to do with its new acquisition…
Sell it again. We hear there’s already a buyer lined up. Last week billionaire fugitive Joseph Lau dropped $375 million and $222 million on consecutive days on two of the world’s most expensive gems, which he renamed “the Blue Moon of Josephine” and “Sweet Josephine” after his daughter. The word is that he’s gearing up to rename it “Please, Please Love Me Josephine?”
Rename it. The consortium will change the name from “Wentworth Woodhouse” to “The Wentworth.” Once it sounds like a fancy Kennedy Town tower block you can rent out rooms for $40-60k a month, no sweat. Other potential names: “Le Belle Went” (for the Gold Coast vibe) or “The Wood House” (serviced apartments/co-working space).
Downtonland. No one has taken to TV series “Downton Abbey” like the Chinese. The group plans to convert the entire estate into a giant Downton theme park, bussing in tour groups by the thousands. Be thrilled by the clash of social progress and agrarian idyll! Scream as class boundaries are ruthlessly enforced! Quail at clunky wooden dialogue! Buy ice cream from overpriced concession stands!
Invite CY Leung to stay on a stormy, moonless night. The Chief Executive will be greeted at the train station by an ugly man in a horse cart, who will wordlessly convey him to this gothic pile. As tall doors slam shut behind him, CY stands with only a small suitcase for company, shivering in a drafty hall. Lightning flashes through the window, illuminating his cowering form. A shadow glides down the stairs, but a quivering CY cannot make out who it is. The shadow approaches—another flash lights the figure. It is Carrie Lam, in her seat of power at last! CY turns and tries to flee, but the doors are locked. He pounds down infinite hallways, trying door after door as Carrie follows with a measured tread… Dawn comes and a jovial milkman finds CY curled into a corner, raving and promising to do whatever Carrie says from now on. The milkman soothes CY and loads him into the cart… before turning to wink at us. It’s Carrie!
Knock the whole thing down and turn it into a bunch of flats. This is the only joke you’ve been making all week, isn’t it?