A Fishball Revolution and Mutual Exacerbation
Hong Kong’s so-called “fishball riots” haven’t exactly cooled tensions. The government has condemned the protesters wholesale, while Zhang Xiaoming of the Liaison Office has dubbed them “radical separatists,” which in Beijing-talk is one very short step from “terrorists.”
Lawmakers urged Legco to pass legislation blocking protesters from wearing face masks, so they can be identified. Meanwhile, Basic Law Committee member Rao Geping has used the opportunity to call for the implementation of national security legislation, because nothing quells flames like adding a little extra oil.
It’s clear what everyone’s got to do here: Step back, take a deep breath, and RAMP UP THE RHETORIC EVEN MORE! Here are a few bright ideas to really increase the city’s sense of good-will and mutual respect.
Ban All Face Masks.
The time has clearly passed when wearing a face mask in Hong Kong was simply the sign that you had a cold and didn’t want to pass it on to people. Now it’s a clear symbol that you are a subversive element ready to bring down the system. Ban all face masks and no one will be able to hide again. Also, viral infection rates will skyrocket. With luck we’ll all die of a horrible virus and then everyone will mercifully shut the hell up.
Boost Community Involvement.
If there’s one criticism you hear levelled at modern Hong Kong, it’s that we’re losing our sense of community. We’re being isolated into individuals. Nothing brings a community together like organizing large-scale riots. What better expression of “love thy neighbor” than two people standing arm in arm, flinging bricks at cops?
Equip The Police Better.
Frontline cops are super pissed off that they went into Mong Kok unprepared and underequipped. Police bosses were doubtless terrified of authorizing the use of tear gas again, for fear of bringing another Occupy down on our heads. You know what would have stopped this from being a problem? If you gave every cop a properly trained feline assault unit. Think about it. Sure, they’re expensive. But who’s gonna mess with a fully armored FREAKING ATTACK LION? Do it, Secretary for Security Lai Tung-kwok. We beg of you. Nothing else will quell the tumult.
Do Some Rebranding.
In another example of mind-bendingly crappy spin, localist rioters are being described as “radical separatists.” But why stop with an inflammatory nomenclature that’s only ever going to make everyone involved unhappy? Two can play at that game, of course. From now on we suggest renaming literally anyone and everyone who’s got involved with this whole sorry mess “useless wastes of oxygen.” Subtle, elegant and just… simpler.
Finally Enact National Security Legislation.
Riots in the streets? What better time to make the argument that you need to quash all those uppity Hongkongers with legislation that was shelved back in 2003 because of fears that Hong Kong was getting too close to China? We really showed them, didn’t we? Now’s the perfect time to take dust off that ol’ Article 23 and get ‘er going again. Might we suggest terrifyingly broad-ranging powers for the state that allow for the abduction of its citizens and their mysterious, prolonged detention?
Just Give Up Completely And Give in to China on Everything.
Shhhh. Just let it happen. You know you want to. It’s just easier this way.