Hong Kong's Best. Budget. Ever.
Financial Secretary John Tsang has just announced his 2016 Budget for the city, in which he’s scaled back on income tax for individuals. But we think the hairy ol’ walrus impersonator has missed a trick or three.
Here are some ideas for surefire budget success.
Give everyone $6,000 again.
Remember back in 2011 when John Tsang tried to put extra cash into our MPF accounts, but everyone thought it was a dumb idea so instead he gave us all $6,000 in cash? That was awesome. Can we do that again, please? Pretty please?
So the Chinese capital’s GDP is about US$314 billion. Divide that by Hong Kong’s population of about 7.3 million and each of us needs to stump up just US$43,013 and we can buy China. That’s way less than the cost of a house! Maybe the tycoons can pay a double share. Then we can rename it “Beijing SAR” and see how THEY like it.
Hong Kong’s facing an imminent crisis. Decreasing birth rates and increasing costs of welfare and housing mean that soon we’ll struggle to care for the city’s aged. Meanwhile, Hong Kong youth is increasingly angry and disillusioned. By subsidizing the cost of deer antler, tiger penis and other such aphrodisiacs, the government will encourage the people of Hong Kong to have loads more sex: Thus raising the birth rate, boosting the love hotel economy and distracting those pesky young’uns from their actual concerns.
A Chicken Pot in Every Pot.
Herbert Hoover was elected in 1928 on the promise of “a chicken in every pot” for every American. In modern, civilized Hong Kong, John Tsang should be prepared to offer one all-you-can-eat Chongqing chicken pot meal to every man, woman and child in the city. Admittedly, the Great Depression of 1929 meant that Hoover broke his promise. But—In John We Trust.
Create a Communist Utopia.
By destroying the system from the inside, John Tsang could engineer the rise of a genuine Communist state, in which workers control the means of production and there’s no such things as class divides or inequality. But let’s face it: no one’s actually interested in a genuinely equal system, are they? They just want to have more money than you.
Do a Shit Budget, Blame it on CY.
We all know John Tsang’s gunning for the top job. His best chance is to produce an even more shitty budget and sneakily blame it all on CY and Carrie Lam’s interference, neatly clearing his path to the top. It’s like “House of Cards,” only our protagonist looks like an adorable if threadbare teddy bear wearing a suit.