Runner-Up’s Welcome
The games aren’t over yet.
China’s Olympians are coming to Hong Kong, and the city seems to be embracing them with open arms: All 5,700 tickets to see the athletes sold out in just three hours. But the games aren’t over yet: Turns out that the cream of China’s sporting prowess will have a few more events to compete in once they get here.
Archery
Targets are pinned to the more disruptive members of Legco and they’re set loose downrange. First to tag a Pan-dem gets the gold.
200m Hurdles
The nation’s star athletes dodge angry localists flinging themselves straight at the legs of these icons of state power.
500m Freestyle
All of the athletes are taken on a junk trip, to show them a slice of the easy life. Once they’re all in the water, the ladder is pulled up and the junk motors home.
MTR Long Jump
At Mong Kok station, competitors must try to leap from the Tsuen Wan Line train to the Kwun Tong Line train, without touching the platform in the middle.
Parallel Trading Bars
Profitable gymnastics event in which participants must carry two fully laden suitcases across the border without arousing suspicions from customs agents.
Fencing
The Olympians build a Donald Trump-style barrier between Hong Kong and China, earning the city’s undying love and trust.
1,977,000m Run
Any Olympian who didn’t get a gold medal has to run the 1,977km straight back to Beijing. Two pee breaks are permitted.
The Hunger Games
Eager to keep the city docile and scared, the government thrusts the cream of the world’s physical specimens into a battle to the death, and televises it. Hey, we’d watch it.
