This week, the Magners International Comedy Festival hits Hong Kong for the first time. For a taste of what we can expect across three days of mirth and, possibly, mayhem, Post Magazine asked all of the comedians performing in the city - as well as a handful of those who can be seen at other Magners festivals in the region - to tell us their favourite joke, whether it be one of their own or one cracked by another comic.
Can you do better?
Martin Mor (Ireland): "How do you know if someone is a vegan?
They bloody well tell you."
Champs, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 10pm.
Ria Lina (Philippines): "I wanted to do a show about feminism, but my husband wouldn't let me."
Fringe Upstairs, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 8pm; Delaney's (Wan Chai), Thurs and Fri, 10.15pm.
Wes Zaharuk (Canada): "Apparently, when your you're driving, if you hit a pedestrian it's your fault. I hit a magician - he came out of nowhere."
Insiders, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 9.30pm.
Nik Coppin (Britain): A boy turns up late for school one day and his teacher asks why.
Boy: "It's snowing heavily outside, miss, so every time I took one step forward, I slipped two steps back."
Teacher: "Well, how did you make it to school then?"
Boy: "I got fed up, so I turned to go home."
Champs, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 8pm.
Abigoliah Schamaun (US): "Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, 'God, it's hot in here!' The other one says, 'Oh my God, a talking muffin!'"
Fringe Vault, Thurs, "Fri and Sat, 8.45pm.
Imaan Hadchiti (Australia): "What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $1,000 to have a lentil on my face."
Fringe Dairy, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 7.30pm; Fringe Upstairs, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 9pm.
Sanjay Manaktala (India): "In India, when you swipe yes on Tinder you get engaged."
Will Mars (Britain): “My ex-girlfriend and I were in a military-type relationship.
Problem was we were in different armies. I was British army but she was American army. That’s why she moved in, took over, got rid of a few important people, stayed for a while and then disappeared leaving me unable to look after myself.”
Insiders, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 7pm.
Eleanor Tiernan (Ireland): Southern American lady: “Doctor, I’ve got terrible period pains.”
Doctor: “What’s your flow like?”
Southern American Lady: “Linoleum.”
Delaney’s (Wan Chai), Thurs and Fri, 9pm.
Phil Kay (Scotland): “Which artist slept with the most people? Chagall.”
Fringe Dairy, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 10pm.
Vivek Mahbubani (Hong Kong): “People say body hair is annoying. I actually love it! Because in summer, I don’t get mosquito bites … I get mosquitoes trapped in my hair!”
Fringe Upstairs, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 10pm.
Jenny Collier (Britain): “I went to buy a Christmas tree and the shopkeeper said, ‘Will you be putting this up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.’”
Culture Club, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 10.15pm.
Simon Taylor (Australia): “‘I’ before ‘e’ except for when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.”
Champs, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 8.45pm.
Joanna Sio (Hong Kong): “When someone hands you a flyer, it is like they’re saying, ‘Here, you throw this away’.”
The late Mitch Hedberg
Culture Club, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 9.15pm.
Al Lubel (United States): “What do you do when your car breaks down? You pretend like you know what you are doing. You get out of the car, you walk around the front of the car, you open up the hood and you look in. What are you looking for? Whatever is wrong you can’t fix it. You stand there hoping to find something incredibly obviously wrong. Something so simple even you can handle it. A giant on-off switch: on, off!”
TakeOut Comedy Club, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 9.30pm.
Andre King (New Zealand): "I discovered a voice-operated lift in a mall. When I stepped inside a voice rang out, 'Please call out your floors'. I said, 'I'm a bit fat and occasionally have impure thoughts about nuns!' To my surprise the doors opened and the voice said, 'Third floor - maternity wear and costume hire.'"
Jim Brewsky (Hong Kong): "I'm fairly new to Hong Kong but I think I've already experienced racism. My first day here, I went to a cafe, and as soon as I walked through the door, the woman behind the counter announced the order, 'Tall black americano!' But everybody turned and looked at me!"
TakeOut Comedy Club, Thurs, Fri and Sat, at 7.30pm
Liam McDonald (Singapore): "What did the elephant say to the naked man? How can you breathe through that thing?"
Matthew Giffen (Ireland): "My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!"
Delaney's in Wan Chai, Thurs and Fri, 7.45pm
Micah Andres (Philippines): "My name is Micah, and before you ask, Micah is a boy's name. A lot of people tell me that it's a girl's name, but it's not. I asked my older brother about it. I said, "Hey Emily, Micah is a boy's name, right?"
Sean Hebert (Canada): "I've got two kids, three and five. S**t names, admittedly."
Insiders, Thurs, Fri and Sat, 8.15pm
Sundeep Rao (India): "There's a new dating app out for people with disabilities. It's called Hinder."
The Magners International Comedy Festival will run from Thursday to Saturday in venues across Hong Kong before moving on to the Philippines and Singapore. For tickets, visit www.ticketflap.com.
Imaan Hadchiti believes Australia could learn a few lessons about solidarity from Hong Kong's pro-democracy movement.
"I don't know much about Hong Kong - I've never been there - or anywhere in China, but I was really impressed when I saw all those people, especially young students, take to the streets and stand up for what they believe in. It was really inspiring. I don't think people in Australia do that enough - they can be quite politically apathetic," says the Lebanese-Australian comedian, who will visit to the city for the Magners International Comedy Festival this week.
Hadchiti will join more than 20 other comedians at the festival, which is making its debut in Hong Kong. And his stand-up act will stand out for reasons other than comedic ability - he's the shortest performer in the line up. In fact, he is the world's smallest comedian.
Hadchiti stands 107cm tall, the result of Rima Syndrome, a genetic condition that causes its sufferer to be of small stature while retaining normal proportions.
"The condition is actually named after my sister, Rima … We're the only ones in the world who have it. All it means is everything is normal and in proportion, from top to tail, just scaled down. It's not technically dwarfism."
Born in Adelaide, Hadchiti has called the southern city of Melbourne home for most of his life.
"I've been a travelling comedian for the past six years, doing stand-up all around the world, which pretty much means I'm broke and homeless."
Gigs have taken him all over Australia as well as to stages in Europe. Travel and people, he says, are the sources of his funniest material.
"Everyday situations are the best inspiration. I'm a people watcher."
Hadchiti discovered a knack for tickling funny bones - and breaking the ice - when he was young.
"If there was any tension in the family I was always the one defusing it." His talent was noticed by a careers counsellor, who encouraged the teenager to do work experience with a comedian. He started his stand-up career at 15 and next came victories at comedy competitions. The global comedy stage has since beckoned, along with a role on an Australian sit-com.
Now he's eager to explore Hong Kong, he says, and the complex theme of love, a topic inspired by a recent break-up.
"The ancient Greeks had six words for love and they all mean different things. So for this routine I'm going to list them and tell a story relating to each type of love from my past. I was quite heartbroken but didn't want to be negative about love so I was just looking into it.
"The journey is part dirty, part heart-wrenching, part touching and all-exposing
"It's also about not putting all your love eggs in one basket."