MasterChef wannabes and the wildly implausible meals they ‘whip up’ at home – this foodie one-upmanship is not for me
- Foodie millennials trying to one-up each other with gastronomical miracles they just ‘whip up’ on the regular? Get me out of this party
- All this talk of ‘bruising’ herbs, ‘sun-ripened’ tomatoes – as if anything else could – and creating something magical. Why does anyone think it’s impressive?
I’m at a party and have been cornered by millennial gastro-bores. Foodies. I can be a bit of a foodie when the mood takes me, but this conversation, lubricated by alcohol and endless repeats of MasterChef, is getting out of control and making me want to Instagram vomit.
Predictably, the group are trying to impress each other with wildly implausible meals – stuff they just “whip up” on a regular Tuesday night at home with the kids.
I happen to know that one of the millennials is single and I know exactly what single millennials eat. Strangely though, he is not saying, “I like ham ’n’ pineapple Paisanos pizza and sometimes, when I’m feeling adventurous, I might add some extra pineapple.”
Oh no! He is discussing the benefits of tearing fresh herbs, as opposed to chopping them. He is keeping a straight face while doing this and using words such as “bruising”, which, incidentally, is what I’d quite like to do to his face.
Everyone, except me, seems to have adopted menu language without realising it’s just a marketing trick. Saying “pan-fried chicken breast” will not impress me, Bucko. You are talking about chicken fried IN A PAN. Probably a frying pan. How sexy does “frying pan” sound?
Likewise, “sun-ripened” tomatoes. What else will ripen tomatoes? Satan? Baby unicorns? His wife’s a***?
Another keeps saying “chorizo”. He cannot seem to stop saying it. I think it’s because he is pronouncing it differently to everyone else: “thoreeeeetho”. He seems very pleased with himself. He has mastered the “chorizo lisp”.
“I love cooking with thoreeeeetho. You can’t beat thoreeeeetho to lift a Catalan paella.”
This sort of thing really gets on my t**s. He is basically trying to impress us by saying “sausage”. Although he would probably pronounce it “thothidge”. And he says “paella” like he was just saying “pie” and then got attacked by a mosquito: “Pie – AIYAH!”
“What about you? Have you ever created something magical with food?” one of the foodies asks me.
I ponder for a moment. There was that Curly Wurly I nibbled into a Harry Potter wand. I remember pointing it at a dog and shouting, “EXPELLIARMUS!” (Which could’ve been awkward, but luckily its owner was blind.)
Then, there was that perfect fish finger sandwich I made in the summer of 2016 – no, too pedestrian. Think! They are all staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to wow them with a culinary masterpiece, a signature dish so outlandish that they’ll all get tongue erections, and their ears will start salivating.
“Well,” I say, “I once drew a smiley face on a boiled egg.”