Picture the scene: Daddy in the BC times (“Before Covid”) on the beach at Clear Water Bay ogling a group of impossibly beautiful Gen Zers frolicking (actually frolicking!) with each other, instead of social distancing. They’re all lithe, tan, with sun-bleached hair and white teeth – you know the type. The type you fear your cute, chubby kids will grow into. Anyway, as they play flirtatiously with a beach ball, the wind takes it and Yuanfen guides it towards Daddy (that’s my husband, not my father). Wishing to appear vigorous and youthful, instead of the crinkly, meat-stinking, un-woke (walking dead) Gen Xer he really is, Daddy leaps to his feet and prepares to kick the beach ball back. Imagine the scene in slow motion, as I often do, when I throw my head back and laugh out loud in the queue for the checkout at Fusion, or in the saddest part of a movie, or during a dinner party, where my host is tearfully explaining that she’s just had to pop her 84 year old mother into a care home – and the image of Daddy just randomly pops into my mind! Five smiling teenage supermodels watching Daddy as he pulls back his foot ready to return the beach ball. Picture the moment as Daddy makes contact with the beach ball and it FREAKIN’ POPS, as Daddy’s BIG-TOE FOOT-CLAW punctures their poor ball. Imagine the looks of dismay and confusion, quickly followed by sheer undisguised horror that Generation X-Men like Daddy should be allowed to walk foot-naked on white sandy beaches with their claws unsheathed. After the “incident”, I booked Daddy in for a pedicure at Sense of Touch. The next time I popped in there, the manager solemnly explained to me that the beautician who’d treated Daddy’s foot claw had ended up having to see a grief counsellor. It’s not Daddy’s fault. His salmon-snatchers just have the superpower to grow very quickly. Daddy goes through socks like a unicorn goes through berets. He can scarify the lawn without equipment. If Daddy played footsie with me, there’s every chance I would bleed out. Plus, Daddy’s feet are way too big for his body. What size are they? Well, in European sizes they are “Bilbo Baggins Wearing Clown Shoes” and in US sizes they are “Freddie Flintstone Wearing Skis”. Chinese people who notice Daddy’s feet often ask me if he sleeps upside down hanging from a branch. (If only!) What I’m trying to say here is that Daddy has HUGE UGLY FEET. And no, there’s absolutely no truth in the adage popularised by Julia Roberts in the slush-fest film Notting Hill that men with big feet have big … Word count exceeded!