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The world’s worst cruise? Sailing from Singapore to Thailand complete with monkey attacks, sexism and even a punch-up

For one travel writer, an eight-night experience aboard a ‘floating Oriental Express’ turns out to be the misadventure of a lifetime

‘By the time dinner came around, I knew we had made a horrible mistake’

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Spirits aboard the ship were dampened by more than rain. Photo: Shutterstock

Published: 2:15pm, 17 Apr 2021Updated: 3:09pm, 17 Apr 2021

The skies are a bleak shade of grey above the island of Koh Adang, in Thailand’s magnificent Tarutao National Marine Park. The usually luminous green Andaman Sea has dimmed to the colour of moss. Soaked in drizzle we sit under palm trees with towels wrapped around us, watching feral monkeys prowl through the prehistoric landscape.

We were warned not to bring any food or drink to the island as it might encourage the monkeys to attack – macaques are the hooligans of the animal world – but one German woman must have missed the memo. No sooner has the ring pull popped from her can of cola than a marauder splits off from the troop and starts sprinting along the shore towards her. In a blink, it’s running up her body tearing at flesh as it snatches the can from her hand. Everyone on the beach looks on in horror as the woman cries and bleeds and the monkey jubilantly downs the dark liquid. It’s day five on the worst trip I’ve ever taken as a travel writer.

Going on a cruise was not something I had ever wanted to do – the rushed stops, the forced fun, and round-the-clock buffets held no appeal, never mind the hideous environmental impact and regular outbreaks of disease – even before the coronavirus made the Diamond Princess famous for all the wrong reasons. But, my editor (not for this publication) had persuaded me that this would be a floating Oriental Express; an intimate experience on a smaller tall ship, one with about 150 passengers and a more tasteful feel.

The route was incredible, too, setting off from Singapore up the Malacca Strait and onwards to the otherwise hard-to-reach coral beach islands of southern Thailand. I said yes and hoped the eight-night experience might change my mind about cruising being the worst way to travel.

Monkeys tussle over a can of cola on Koh Adang during writer Lee Cobaj’s cruise from Singapore to Thailand. Photo: Lee Cobaj

I turned up at the port in Singapore with high hopes and my friend Gavin in tow. The ship did indeed look beautiful, its white masts standing triumphant against a cherry red sunset. But as we walked closer we got our first clue that the ship – which shall remain nameless – was not as classy as we had hoped; we were greeted with cocktails the colour of screen wash and a rendition of the Eagles’ Lyin’ Eyes played on a synthesiser.