Social events filled with freeloaders fighting for a few nibbles of hors d'oeuvres are a turn-off

Don't hate metoo much. I may have the looks of a skinny runway model, but I still have the appetite of an entire hungry rugby team. So in the busy social season, my nemesis is not just any tai-tai wearing the same dress. Often, it's the catering at these events.

There's a certain Murphy's Law to canapés. The hungrier I am, the less food there will be at any function. And the more likely a waiter will constantly top up my Champagne glass when I'm not looking. The result is me becoming a woozy and intoxicated lunatic searching ravenously for anything to silence my hunger pangs.

Most event invitations will just say "come for drinks and canapés", so it's difficult to gauge just how much food they will serve. A cocktail hour event at 6pm usually will offer a few trays of finger food because they assume guests already have dinner reservations afterwards. A fashion show at 10pm will likely not have anything substantial because they figure people got a bite on their own before arriving.

Vaguely worded socials at 8pm are the most awkward. Are they going to offer you dinner too? Or are you expected to just stand around and chit-chat while a noisy DJ drowns out all the stomach gurgling?

I am not one of those pseudo-foodie waifs who constantly post food porn but never actually eat anything. I'm the opposite. If a dish looks good, my first reaction is to gorge on the plate, not have an ostentatious moment on social media. There's nothing more ridiculous than the girl who takes a selfie at the table, then only nibbles and forks through the plate, leaving most of the food untouched.

But I guess to consider oneself a foodie is the new fashionista status. I mean, why else is every supermodel wanting to do food programmes? But honestly, can you trust the gastronomic expertise of someone who's a size 0? That's as ridiculous as a guy in sweatpants and an Arsenal top bragging, "I really love fashion."

True foodies don't just get hungry, we get "hangry" when we're denied our satisfaction. Yet, there is a difference between culinary appreciation and just plain gluttony. Being an Epicurean connoisseur is beautiful. But it's quite ugly to be at an event full of hungry social-climbing freeloaders fighting for a few nibbles of hors d'oeuvres.

The most annoying feeling in the world is to be peckish and stuck in a bad conversation when you spot a platter of morsels headed in your direction. You pray the server will move a little quicker through the crowd, because you can already taste that yummy bite of beef cube, salmon swirl or foie gras escalope. But inevitably, just as the canapé gets within arm's reach, a greedy ogre grabs the last portion before you can touch it.

At those moments, I just need to leave, find an expensive sushi bar and deal with my "hanger" management.

The Aristocrat