9 things you never knew about running the world’s largest ship

At a time when travellers are feeling more precious than ever about “authentic experiences”, the cruise industry is doubling down on the exact opposite: completely manufactured fun. Leading the pack is Royal Caribbean Cruises, whose mega-ships are destinations unto themselves: Its restaurants, casinos, Broadway-calibre musicals, silent disco parties, skating rinks, karaoke, dance clubs and escape-the-room experiences are such strong lures, some guests don’t even bother to look up where the ship is docking. 

So when the cruise line invited me to join the ranks as temporary director of its largest ship, Harmony of the Seas – which is as big as five Titanics – I knew I was signing up for the most manic week of my life. 

As cruise director, my primarily responsibility was seeing to the happiness of 6,322 passengers and 2,200-plus crew. Over the course of a week, I had my hands in every department, from ship activities and entertainment to on-board revenue, making sure that everyone and everything worked in harmony. From stocking the world’s biggest buffet and staving off gastrointestinal disasters to hosting celebrity guests, everything is 10 times crazier when you’re mayor of a city that’s floating in the middle of the sea. 

There is secret cruise code language

It’s crucial for the staff to have code words so that passengers don’t get freaked out if something goes wrong. A “30-30” means the crew is asking maintenance to clean up a mess; three times during my stint I called in a “PVI” (public vomiting incident). An “Alpha” is a medical emergency, a “Bravo” is a fire, and “Kilo” is a request for all personnel to report to their emergency posts, which happens in the event of, say, a necessary evacuation. Be wary of “Echo,” which is called if the ship is starting to drift, or “Oscar,” which means someone’s gone overboard. A crew member told me he’s had only four or five “Oscars” in 10 years of cruising.

Drunk guests can’t outsmart the on-board bartenders

If you thought those all-you-can-drink beverage packages were directly correlated with drunk debauchery at sea, think again. Only eight to 10 per cent of passengers purchase unlimited booze packages – Royal Caribbean’s guests are largely family travellers – and those who do are carefully monitored. Every single alcoholic beverage is poured with a jigger. Intoxicated passengers can have their SeaPasses (on-board credit cards) temporarily disabled, barring them from being served at any of the ship’s bars. As for the most popular alcoholic beverage ordered on board? It’s a cinnamon fireball shot.