Father’s Day as a lone parent: why Hong Kong single dads are struggling

Hong Kong’s fathers are experiencing a period of transition — and single fathers are perhaps facing the biggest challenges. Still often the breadwinner, men in Hong Kong are also increasingly expected to take a more active role in their children’s lives. And as the city marks Father’s Day this weekend, it seems many are finding it difficult to adjust to the new expectations, or are reluctant to seek support. “A lot of Chinese men are really stubborn,” Ng Chim-sum, Register social worker at the Hong Kong Family Welfare Society, said. “Even if they have the need, they never usually say directly that they will need your help. They worry about how they are perceived.” Ng said it can be especially hard for fathers with daughters, as their inbuilt conservatism means they struggle to cope with conversations about puberty and sex. There are a lot of myths about single fathers... they are not nurturing nor able to take care of children... They are reluctant to seek help because in Chinese society they need to save face. “It comes back to gender,” he says. “The stereotype is that men are good with tools and women are good at talking.” As project leader for the society’s Healthy Divorced Men initiative, he said he has found single fathers particularly to be very “isolated” in Hong Kong. “There are a lot of myths about single fathers; that they are not nurturing nor able to take care of children,” he said. “They have to take both mother and father roles. They are reluctant to seek help because in Chinese society they need to save face.” Ng believed it was important to provide male mentors for Hong Kong’s fathers, as the shared experience can help men open up about their concerns and problems. “A lot of services in Hong Kong are for women,” he said. “So we have a mentoring service which is men supporting men.” While it is not surprising Hong Kong’s single mothers greatly outnumber single fathers, the latter’s numbers are still growing significantly. The number of single fathers in the city rose almost 25 per cent within 10 years; from 14,216 in 2001 to 17,665 in 2011, according to the government’s most recent census figures. Overall in 2011, the region was home to 81,705 single parents — 64,040 of them women. This marked a significant increase over the period of a decade; 61,431 single parents were listed as living here in 2001 (47,215 women and 14, 216 men). As divorce rates continue to rise, it seems highly likely the number of single fathers will have grown again when the next census results are released in 2017, but estimating the size of the increase is difficult. Single parents are not valued by society in China so they say ‘You have done something wrong’ George Yeung, a reporter and editor for a stock market magazine, lost his wife to cancer 12 years ago. His son Leland was born just three months before she died. He was forced to use the support of a foster home while his son was a baby so he could continue to work full-time. He now meets with other single fathers for social activities at the Hong Kong Single Parents Association. “We are so lonely because we just need to talk to someone,” he said. “It’s been hard but I think the worst has passed. It is so hard to find another one like [my wife]. If you divorce, you only think of the bad things, but in my case, I only think of the good things.” Yeung’s son Leland, who said he only has distant memories of his mother, plans to give his father a Father’s Day card and go on a trip with him tomorrow. The schoolboy enjoys spending quality time with his father, but he understandably wishes his mother was still alive. “You miss something,” he said. “My friends ask me about it but they feel pity for me.” Aside from some of the emotional issues that come from raising a child solo, there is also the practical side of supporting them on a single income. Single fathers tend to earn higher salaries than their female counterparts and the gap appears to be widening. Single fathers’ median monthly income was 27.7 per cent higher than that of single mothers in 2001 and this grew to 33.3 per cent in 2011. But the cost of living in Hong Kong, which often includes the cost of employing a domestic helper (about HK$50,000 per year) who might provide childcare support, means even for men, there will be limited cash left over at the end of a month. Jessie Yu, chief executive of the Hong Kong Single Parents Association, believes single fathers face many of the same issues as single mothers, but may feel under greater pressure to work full-time rather than claiming welfare. She cited one case where a single father pretended to his neighbours he was at work when he was actually claiming welfare payments to support his family. Another problem, she said, is that single fathers may never have learned to cook, having relied on their mothers and then their wives, so could struggle to feed their families without resorting to takeaways. “No matter if you are a mother or father, you face problems,” she said. “Single parents are not valued by society in China so they say ‘You have done something wrong’. “It is shame on your family. We encourage all single parents to stand on their own two feet and get a job. Many of them are young – if they can solve the problem of childcare, then they can work.” In May, the government concluded its consultation on the Children Proceedings (Parental Responsibility) Bill, which, if passed, would give parents joint responsibility of their children after divorce. It would also give children greater opportunity to voice their preferences during divorce proceedings. The government needs to do more. One small organisation cannot change a whole society’s mentality. We just ask for respect Dr Lau Yuk-king, a consultant for the department of social work at Chinese University, said cultural conventions continue to restrict how single fathers operate, even as legislation seeks to create a more balanced societal dynamic. Her research suggested some single fathers receive greater support from their families than single mothers because they are expected to work and provide financially for their children. But, she said, single fathers often seem less willing to claim social welfare benefits, for fear a claim would encroach on their “masculinity”. They are also less likely to seek support from social workers because they assume they will be biased against them, she said. “They need counselling sometimes, but they are not eager to seek it out themselves. Even when doing my research, it is not easy to contact the fathers – the mothers are more responsive,” she said. When Yu, also a single parent, founded her organisation in 1991, there was no equivalent support for single parents in Hong Kong. “Although we have worked for this for 20 years, we still find there is discrimination,” she said. “The community education has not even started yet. The government needs to do more. One small organisation cannot change a whole society’s mentality. We just ask for respect.”

Father’s Day as a lone parent: why Hong Kong single dads are struggling

.css-1c6uqr6{color:inherit;font-weight:inherit;font-size:inherit;font-family:inherit;line-height:inherit;overflow-wrap:break-word;}Many single dads in Hong Kong face pressures to support their children while saving face in society

Many single dads in Hong Kong face pressures to support their children while saving face in society