Child’s happiness not most important thing to demanding Chinese parents, who too often value success above all
- Authoritarian approach to upbringing is in direct contrast to that of Western counterparts, who prefer to allow kids to discover themselves
When it comes to parenting, the Chinese might not be the best at raising happy children, but they are pretty good at bringing up diligent, resourceful, and often multi-skilled children at a relatively young age.
A typical Chinese parenting style often comes across as being quite tough and unforgiving, and Hong Kong parents certainly epitomise this approach.
Any local child will tell you how busy their daily schedules outside school are, as their parents practically run their lives like a business. And like any business operation, the boss always wants a good return on their investment.
Typical daily after-school activities will cover at least one musical or artistic lesson, and a tutoring class to help with school lessons and homework. If the family financial situation allows, the student is likely to be sent to attend more interest classes and activities.
There is no doubt that cultural differences affect parenting styles, and it’s not an exaggeration to say Chinese parents are very demanding when it comes to raising successful children, who are always pushed to study, practise and achieve.
I burst out laughing recently, when I came across a meme on social media that ingeniously summarised how traditional Chinese and Asian parents view success, by illustrating a completely different grading scale from a Chinese-Asian point of view.
The meme showed A means “average”, B – below average, C – can’t eat dinner, D – don’t come home, and F – find a new family.
Joking aside, the meme was not completely inaccurate. I was punished by my mother for not achieving top scores in exams a number of times when I was in primary school. Each time I was not allowed to have lunch or even dinner, depending on how angry she was.
My mother used to tell me she wanted me to be a dentist, because to her, it would be the best way to make lots of money, and I would not have to deal with late night calls and attend emergency cases like other doctors.
But after I continuously failed to achieve top scores in exams, she gave up and sent me to live with my father in Taiwan.
Hong Kong parents like to make their children learn non-academic skills, because they believe it will make them more marketable and successful later in life.
I have heard of parents who make their children learn golf because they hope knowing how to play will allow them to mingle with rich people when they grow up.
Are you a ‘Monster Parent’? Experts say trend worsening in Hong Kong
Chinese parents are very keen to push their children, often past their limits, while their Western counterparts are more inclined to allow the child to find themselves and see where their interests take them.
And don’t expect Chinese parents to follow any parenting books, as most of them would tell you “that’s the way we Chinese teach our kids”, or “you can’t let kids do whatever they want”.
Sometimes even achieving an A is not enough because of their high expectations, and you rarely see Chinese parents praise their children.
They believe praising them might hurt instead of incentivise them, this is because it might make them proud or conceited and, as a result, they might stop trying and fall behind.
Most Western parents, on the other hand, believe compliments or encouragement is a positive force to motivate children. Many younger Chinese parents are trying to do parenting differently, but attempting to move away from traditional thinking is not always easy for some.
I still have the laminated certificate my daughter got when she was in Primary 3 that reads, “Congratulations for concentrating and working hard”.
At that time, it was a milestone for her because she had problems focusing in class and when she overcame that, her school performance improved. And that was a really proud moment for her, and for me too.
There is nothing wrong with being your child’s cheerleader, even when they have not achieved according to your expectations, or measured up to the norm – whatever that may be.
When you say you are proud of them, you can be applauding their efforts rather than the outcome. This in turn will nurture and reinforce their self-esteem and self-belief, which are all important factors for their emotional and physical development, and that has a direct impact on what kind of adult they will become.
Are tiger parents sending kids to English-speaking countries for kids’ benefit or theirs?
There is no such a thing as the perfect child, neither are there perfect parents. But you can choose what kind of parent you want to be, and you do not have to be shackled by your cultural background or traditional family practices.
How you raise your child is your choice. There is nothing wrong with disciplining children, but it doesn’t mean forgoing respect, there still needs to be respect for their individual needs.
Hong Kong parents tend to project their hopes and wants onto their children, and make decisions for them even far into their adulthood. Parents shouldn’t use the reason or excuse that what they are doing is for their children’s own good without realising what they really want in life, because success means different things to different people.
Whenever my daughter, who lives in Britain, calls me to check on my well-being, she sometimes offers tips to help me beat the pandemic blues and says, “she misses me”, and this is how I know I haven’t done badly as a parent.
Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts Cantonese-language video tutorials that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme
