Narcissists may start out popular, but people see through them in the long run
To build a following, narcissism works. Briefly.
But if, as they say in this electoral season, you’re looking to “grow your base”, exercising emotional intelligence — expressing empathy, checking your emotions in a bid to avoid conflict, and investing in personal relationships — is a strategy that beats narcissism over the long term.
A new exploration of how we make friends and influence people rigorously measured the emergence of popularity in small groups — first-year college students organised into 15 study groups of about 20 in Poland. In the first week of their assignment to a group and then again three months later, 170 of the freshmen named the person or people they most liked in their group. Upon recruitment into the study, each participant completed standard inventories assessing their narcissistic personality traits and gauging their emotional intelligence.
Meanwhile, individuals whose strong social skills quietly reveal themselves over time build steadily on their modest base of initial admirers. In a popularity contest, the emotionally intelligent ultimately win.
“It seems that a quieter and less needy ego, coupled with abilities to perceive, understand, use, and manage emotions, ensure better relationships in the long run,” write the authors of the study, published online Tuesday in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
This conclusion probably makes perfect sense to the emotionally intelligent, who, in any event, do not widely view making friends and influencing people as an end in itself. It may make less sense to a narcissist, who, for instance, considers the admiration of others his due — or at least something he can engineer whenever he wants.