Some more seminal advice from the unfairer sex

REMEMBER the ''seminars for women'' and ''seminars for men'' series we had in Lai See a few months ago? Kevin Ward, environmental scientist with Binnie Consultants in Sha Tin, came up with this brand new list after spending some time investigating the information on electronic bulletin boards.

Seminars for Women 1. ''Are You Ready to Leave?'' - Definition of the word ''Yes''.

2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly: ''Honey, Do I Look Fat?'') 3. Crying and Law Enforcement.

4. Advanced Maths Seminar - Program Your VCR.

5. Gaining Five Pounds v The End of the World - a Study in Perspectives.

6. Driving: Approximating a Constant Speed.

7. Sports Finals: Not a Game, a Sacrament.

8. How to Earn Your Own Money.

9: Telephone Translations: ''Yeah Me Too'' Equals ''I Love You''.

10. Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy.

11. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats.

12. Commitment Schmittment.

13. Beyond ''Clean'' and ''Dirty'': The Nuances of Wearable Laundry.

On the subject of women, it has been good to see women making the headlines over serious news stories these days. Legco in particular has been much enhanced by the female perspective of relative newcomers Emily Lau, Christine Loh and Anna Wu.

We are reminded of the words of Arizona senatorial candidate Claire Sargent last year: ''I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.'' Off day LEAST enticing blurb we have ever seen on a Hongkong glossy magazine is on the cover of this month's Epicure: ''Win a Day in Macau''.

Fighting talk THESE Gurkhas are popping up everywhere.

Wilson Parking in Hongkong has hired 36 of the super-human British army soldiers to work in the company's car parks.

There's a picture of two of them standing to attention in front of two parked cars in Sun Hung Kai Properties' in-house journal, SHKP News.

Can you imagine the conversation between a Gurkha officer and a motorist whose car has been stolen? Motorist: Help. Help. My Lexus is gone.

Gurkha: Please to calm down, sahib.

Motorist: I bet it's already on its way across the border to Guangdong. Hey! Where are you going? Gurkha: I'm going to do a quick sprint to the border, see if I can head them off at the pass. Won't take long. Bye, sahib.

Mariner's tale PHIL Rosenberg of Great Wall Graphics was much intrigued by the title of the talk at the Rotary Club of Kowloon today.

The speaker is Tony Miller, described as Ex-Director of Marine, and the talk is called: What the Marine Department Really Does.

This suggests that the talk was originally scheduled when Mr Miller was still Director of Marine. Presumably the title then was: What the Marine Department Wants You to Think it Does.

Contraction WE are intrigued by the new do-it-yourself small-scale foreign exchange service started by the Hongkong branch of Kobayashi.

But we are unconvinced by the name chosen for it. ''Shrinking Forex Contract'' somehow doesn't build an investor's confidence.

Call for change GOT a fax from some activists about political reforms this week.

The most eye-catching thing about it was the name printed by the fax machine at the top of each page, where the sender's name usually goes: Ng Ming-yum.

This of course is the name of the popular legislator who died of cancer last year.

Would the New Territories West Concerned Group on Political Reforms kindly show a bit of sensitivity and do a bit of political reforming of their fax machine? Pulling power LAWYER Paul Brennock tells us that there is a gentleman working in Hongkong for Avis Rent-a-Car whose given Chinese name is To Bar.

''One hopes his main occupation does not consist of shunting cars around the Avis compound,'' said Paul.

His boss would forever be saying: ''Get the tow-bar, To Bar.'' Talking of names, what if the UN Secretary-General follows the lead of Co-President Hillary Rodham Clinton, and starts using his middle name? And what if Boutros Boutros-Ghali's middle name is ''Boutros''? Tall story A MEMBER of the Tallest Men Club was being interviewed on BBC Radio 4.

Interviewer: Don't you get fed up with all the jokes? Tall man (7 ft 4 ins): Well I've heard them all before, like 'Have you got an aircraft landing light on your head?' etcetera.

Interviewer: But what do you say when they ask the question: are you all in proportion? Tall man: Oh, I've got a good answer to that. I always say: 'Thank God, no. Otherwise I'd be 8 ft 4 ins'.''