Prince Charming fumes in stylish chariot
If Formula One was a real pantomime - and not just a parody of one - then David Coulthard would be Prince Charming and Michael Schumacher the wickedest of witches.
Coulthard, whose charms saw him on the arm of three different leading ladies in the space of 72 dizzy hours recently, epitomises cool even when hot under the collar. He is a class act.
Schumacher possesses that most unfortunate of facial expressions, the sneer, and comes across as arrogant even as pleasantries flow from his mouth. He is the act kids are taught to boo.
Both possess stylish chariots but, in theatreland style, Coulthard's has a disconcerting habit of turning into a pumpkin when the clock strikes midnight in particular parts of the world.
If the timing is right, as it was at the Austrian Grand Prix, Coulthard's McLaren is a speed machine that makes the guys at Ferrari see scarlet. If the timing is wrong, as it was in Spain and at the Monaco Grand Prix, the software in his car makes the Scotsman look like a real idiot.
Everybody who has driven a car knows how squirmingly embarrassing it is to rev away bullishly at traffic lights only to stall the car when the green flashes on. Well, just multiply that feeling 100 times and you will come close to the anguish experienced by Coulthard when he was left sitting in pole position in Monte Carlo as Schumacher and the rest of the F1 gang roared past in the formation lap.
Coulthard was the victim of new-fangled software which was introduced last month.
The idea is that cars zoom away effortlessly from the grid but on two occasions Coulthard has gone nowhere - fast. When it happened the first time, McLaren boss Ron Dennis accused Coulthard of 'brain fade' but, after Mika Hakkinen was grounded by the same problem, he has admitted the software is 'screwed up'.
That is not much consolation to Coulthard, who is now 12 points adrift of Schumacher in the drivers' championship. And, given that he must be having nightmares about race starts, the chances of a dream comeback are slim. Unless, of course, everyone shouts 'behind you' in true pantomime fashion and a startled Schumacher drives into the dirt.
Over in the world of athletics, sprinters are also having nightmares about their starts. In a move that is hard to fathom, the International Amateur Athletics Federation (IAAF) has proposed that track stars be disqualified after just one false start.
The likes of Marion Jones and Maurice Greene are startled by the sweeping proposals, which also include cutting the number of attempts at the pole vault from three to two and discus and hammer throws from six to four.
The changes to the false start rule will be tried out at selected meetings during the summer before the IAAF takes a final vote in August. But the vocal opposition from star sprinters Jones and Greene and other competitors suggests that it is the IAAF - and not the athletes - that is jumping the gun.
There is enough pressure on athletes at hair-trigger starts without placing this axe over their heads. The IAAF should heed the old saying: 'If it aint broke, don't fix it'.