The bear necessities of life
Try to think of a world without hippopotamuses and polar bears. I did this week after learning from the World Conservation Union's biennial 'red list' of threatened species that both were heading towards extinction - and ended up feeling depressed.
Humankind is, surprise, surprise, to blame. Our need for resources is destroying the habitats of both wildlife icons and more than 16,000 other species. Before the end of the century, all will be consigned to history books, museum exhibits and mythology unless some quick and smart ecological-protection measures are put in place.
Water, the hippo's home, is drying up in Africa, the one place on the planet that the distant relative of the whale can be found. Couple that with the war in the Democratic Republic of Congo, which gives poachers the opportunity to get their hands on plenty of prized hippo meat, and the herds, schools, pods - or whatever other collective noun you care to use - begin to dwindle.
Polar bears are literally drowning because of global warming. The more coal, oil and gas we burn, the more their icy habitat melts. Without ice floes to support them as they hunt for a tasty seal dinner, they have to swim out to sea, where too often they die hunting.
The paradox is that both are dangerous to humans. Hippos are highly territorial and that, coupled with surprising agility - despite their 3-tonne-or-more bulk - makes a lethal combination. They may be vegetarian, but that doesn't matter when they have jaws that can snap a crocodile in half and a propensity to stampede when disturbed by strangers. They are said to account for more deaths in Africa than any other mammal.
Polar bears are arguably the most dangerous creatures on Earth. Standing up to 3.3 metres tall and weighing 800kg or more, they can easily outswim and outrun a human. As they constantly crave meat to keep body and soul together, any intruder to their private patch of wilderness is a seal substitute.
So, if neither is the kind of creature you would care to bump into, why my depression? Well, unusually, I take the position of US President George W. Bush. While campaigning for the presidency in 2002, he uttered one of his famed Bushisms - the phenomenon in which he tangles up words and phrases or merely says something silly. 'I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully,' he remarked sagely.
To use Bush-speak in light of the World Conservation Union's report, I know that the human being, polar bear and all those other species can co-exist peacefully. We have the means, which begs the question: why are we not using them?
There are many good reasons why we should try - quite apart from the imbalances in nature that their extinctions would cause. The hippo is among Africa's noisiest animals and its grunts, wheezes and honks are a safari highlight. With mucous glands that secrete an oily, red fluid to protect their skin from sunburn and drying, there is much the fair-skinned among us can learn. Besides, a creature that deals with its social inferiors by showering them with its own dung, as hippos do, has my respect.
Likewise, the loss of the polar bear would send large chunks of the world into a frenzy. Canada would have to find a new image for its C$2 ($14) coin. Australia's Bundaberg Rum company, which uses the white-furred creature as a logo - to emphasise how well a drop keeps out the winter chill - would face a marketing dilemma. And our already declining fish stocks would disappear when seals, without a natural predator, multiplied prodigiously.
But our biggest detractors would be young voices. Hippos and polar bears are the stuff of countless childhood stories. If they disappear, it will be impossible to hide our environmental stupidity. There is no one less forgiving than a child.
Peter Kammerer is the Post's foreign editor