Please yourself

You do everything to make others happy - but what about yourself?

You've finished the project your teacher had asked you to help with and for which you had to set aside extra time. The science experiment is done - your friend asked really nicely that you take care of this for the both of you saying you're really more gifted at this than she is. And you sold all the tickets for the school play - the class really relies on you.

It's just that you didn't get to watch that documentary on whales - a subject that fascinates you.

Three out of four isn't bad. Or is it? If you are always last on your own priority list, maybe it is bad.

Naturally, it is admirable to put others' needs before your own, but it becomes a problem if you do it all the time - at your own cost. If your energy reserves are so depleted that you don't have time for yourself, you are writing yourself off - and it has an impact on your self-image: You are less important than others.

Typical people-pleasing characteristics

Your self-esteem depends on whether you please others. You feel bad about yourself if you don't do it. If you do it, you feel good about yourself.

You think it is wrong to say, 'No'. You say, 'Yes', even if you are unwilling and you feel irritated.

In conversations you do not give your true opinion, even if you don't agree.

You keep the peace and avoid conflict.

If you recognise the signs and want to change, try the following suggestions:

Ask yourself: What am I getting out of this? Am I holding others in higher regard than myself? Do I receive status at school, at home or in extracurricular activities? Do I need approval?

Self-knowledge is important. Ask: What is important to me? What are my goals? If you want to get special recognition at school, it may make sense to agree to take on certain projects and pay the price - for your long-term objective. The problem comes in if you agree unwillingly.

Realise that you are going to feel uncomfortable (uncertain or anxious, perhaps) if you want to change the pattern and say, 'No'. Persevere, even if people respond negatively. Just keep at it.

Remember, the only way out is to do things differently. A habit takes time to form - and it takes time to break.

Each time that you give in, you give yourself the message: I am not important. Don't do it any more.

Try saying, 'I'd love to help, but this is not a good time for me as I already have plans', which is a good response to a straightforward request.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Despite the best of intentions, you actually have less to offer when you lose your identity and self-worth.

In healthy relationships, through a series of negotiations and compromises, there is giving and receiving on both sides.