Why relationships happen for a reason, and how knowing it helps ease break-up heartache

Some people come into our lives for a reason, whether it’s for a few weeks or a lifetime. I am a firm believer that there are people who come into our lives to teach us lessons.

Relationships are no different from our everyday encounters – they also happen for a reason. And once we have figured out what it is, we know how to handle them even when they come to an end.

The father of motivation, Wayne Dyer, famously said: “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

Many people cannot cope or accept a relationship coming to an end and try to hold on to it. What they are trying to hold on to is false hope and wishful thinking that a miracle may occur. Some cannot accept it is the end, especially when they still love their ex-partner.

If we follow Dyer’s thinking, we can look at it as a lesson rather than a defeat. Some people come into our lives for a short time to leave us a valuable experience that we wouldn’t have got had they stayed.

Everyone handles a break-up differently and that includes the one who initiates it. For the person on the receiving end, it often takes more time and the necessary “head space” to refocus thoughts and feelings to facilitate healing. So give yourself that time and space.

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The rule of thumb is to face it, accept it, handle it and let go. If, at first, you still miss the other person like crazy, that’s OK. You can grieve, but try to distract yourself and refocus your life somewhere else that is more constructive and positive.

Try to do things that fill your heart and soul with joy, instead of letting yourself feel morose.

A girlfriend of mine recently called off her wedding and still harbours hope that she will get back together with her ex. You can say it is unhealthy, but it is also understandable.

During a long, committed partnership, people set goals and plan a future together. These things motivate us and give us hope for the future. It is very difficult to see these dreams shattered. All the wonderful things that were supposed to happen just disappear without a trace.

It is hard to accept but remember that when a relationship ends, it is often indicative of problems that you might have neglected or ignored coming to a head.

Sometimes people love each other to bits but they are fundamentally incompatible as a couple. You cannot fight to stay with someone when you also have to fight against each other all the time – be it matters of principle or simple daily routines. We just have to accept that some people are not meant to be together.

I believe each person has an embedded “bar code” that represents their compatibility with other people. That compatibility also has different expiry dates. Some may be short term, while a small handful may last a long time.

Some bar codes are not compatible at all. We cannot change this no matter how hard we try.

When responding to an unexpected or even nasty break-up, remember Dyer’s most notable quote: “How people treat you is their karma and how you react is yours.”

In such situations, be kind to yourself and even to your ex-partner. Remember that everyone handles a break-up differently and that it is no one’s fault when love fades and ends. If you keep thinking these positive thoughts then you can maintain good karma, which can eventually lead to acceptance and peace.

But being kind does not mean trying to use kindness to lure the other person back into your life.

Try to cut off contact, at least for a while at first. Then let go of the fantasy, because most of the heartache comes from the hope of a future that is no longer viable and has nothing to do with the relationship.

Once you can make peace with the past, you will be able to refocus so that you can love yourself more, and accept that your ex is no longer your priority.

For those who initiate a break-up, it is important to stand by your decision and avoid backtracking. You can follow your heart but there is no need to tread on the other person’s. Try not to break the other person and their spirit. Be kind and compassionate.

Remember: what goes around comes around and good endings bring good beginnings.

Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post