Don’t let a crush on a celebrity ruin your relationship: they’re mostly harmless, but could be a sign it’s time for a heart-to-heart

Celebrity crushes are usually associated with screaming teenage girls swarming a famous face at film premieres or concerts – but you would be surprised how often they happen to adults who are (more or less) in loving relationships.

Successful relationships require a delicate balance between safety and adventure. These are two states that rarely coexist for long periods of time. Marriage and commitment offer us stability and comfort, but they are also well-known passion killers. A crush on a stranger offers some sense of danger and adventure; and often comes from something that is considered to be forbidden.

Whatever the case, it is often not a cause for concern if your partner has a celebrity crush. If you’re not convinced, here are three reasons you should be, according to relationship expert and certified hypnotherapist Valentina Tudose.

“Firstly, it is highly unlikely that your partner will ever satisfy their crush. It’s unattainable, so the desire will never be satisfied,” she says.

Some couples even have a list of “hall passes” – celebrities that a person is allowed to sleep with, should the opportunity ever present itself. These lists are often made in jest, but it is a way to show that you accept your partner’s celebrity crushes. This leads to Tudose’s second reason: it allows for creating a rich – and totally harmless – fantasy life.

“There are no limits to harbouring a celebrity crush, as you can imagine any scenario in which your real-life needs are not being completely met,” Tudose adds. “Finally, there is no risk of rejection in having a celebrity crush. It is an innocent feeling that won’t ever be returned. Since both partners are aware that this crush will never be fulfilled, there is a shared acceptance that it is not a rejection of each other.”

If you do feel that your partner’s celebrity crush is starting to impede your relationship, then consider the following to remedy your shared issues.

“It might be a wake-up call signalling that your relationship has hit a low point. The passion and excitement may have depleted, which is why your partner is seeking it elsewhere.

“While your natural response is to feel jealous and rejected on the basis of ‘not being good enough’, you can channel those negative feelings into a force for good,” Tudose continues. “Start by having a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner about how you can ‘spice things up’ and renew your intimacy as a couple.

“Work together to identify creative solutions to reignite your passion so that the imaginary relationship pales in comparison to the real one. You should also use this opportunity to reassess how you may have contributed to the situation, as nothing in a relationship is one-sided.

“Sometimes, all your partner really wants is more attention and appreciation, and to feel desired and important. If you have stopped putting energy into your partner, it is natural for them to compensate for that rejection,” states Tudose.

Furthermore, you should also consider that your partner is valuing their commitment by harbouring their fantasies in a purely imaginative manner. “Treat it like you would if your child had an imaginary friend; you know it’s been made up to provide comfort,” points out Tudose. “But don’t neglect the previous points made, as this shortfall in desire still needs to be addressed.”

So at what point should you be concerned that the obsession is going too far?

Tudose refers to the teachings of Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who specialises in infidelity within modern relationships. “It’s our imagination that’s responsible for love, not the other person.”

In the case of a celebrity crush, this is even more true as the other person is not an active participant in the story, Tudose continues. “This kind of ‘love’ is in itself an escape from reality. But if it is pushed to extremes, it can function just like any other addiction. The more we indulge in something that gives us pleasure, the less actual pleasure we derive from it. As a result, we increase the amount of energy that is needed to give us the same hit.

“If this crush is indulged in small quantities and kept in check, it can function as an innocuous form of escapism. But when it becomes obsessive, it’s a clear sign that unmet needs are running deep.”

She warns that if your partner starts retreating into their “dream world” and neglecting the real world, things are serious and need to be addressed. Coaching or counselling can help understand the issues that triggered the situation and find new solutions that will help heal the divide. It will also allow them to realise their needs in “real life” and communicate them to their partner.

As in any situation, always exercise sensitivity and patience towards your partner. And don’t resort to the blame game – it takes two to tango, she advises.