Burgers: vegan or meat? The case against fake meat substitutes – a personal view

I don’t understand meatless hamburgers. It confounds me even more when vegans want to recreate the look and taste of hamburgers using plant-based or alternative protein. I always figured if you don’t eat meat, you probably wouldn’t ever desire anything that even resembles a juicy all-beef patty.

As an omnivore, I like almost everything – steak, fish, lamb, pasta, and occasionally, I’ll even enjoy substantial vegetarian dishes such as roast squash and root vegetables, or a baked aubergine. But I don’t ever crave a salad made from chicken disguised to look and taste like kale and lettuce.

I just don’t understand ordering a veggie version of a meat dish. And I don’t mean a Caesar salad without the bacon. I’m talking about replacing glazed ham with grilled watermelon. Who’s fooling themselves with such fake meat substitutes?

Making one type of food look like another might be a fine one-time novelty, but to order such imitation grub on a regular basis smacks of a kind of denial. It’s like saying you’re over your old girlfriend, but then you consistently date other women who look exactly like her.

If you’re going to go meat-free, just order a grilled portobello mushroom or a thick bean stew. A vegan burger just seems like painting a minivan red and calling it a Ferrari. Or wanting Lululemon to tailor you a stretchy yoga tuxedo. No doubt they can do it, but what’s the point?

I suspect some meatless burger eaters still like meat, but they’re abstaining from a place of guilt. It might be an ethical thing, it might be health concerns, or they think another Big Mac will push the planet over the edge to eco-disaster.

There’s nothing wrong with chefs playing around with food and creating culinary illusions. Remember when restaurants served salads in terracotta pots so they resembled a bouquet of flowers? That’s clever and cute. Remember when Hong Kong molecular-gastronomy restaurant Bo Innovation served an edible condom? Yes, it was gross and provocative, but also daring and gutsy.

Sometimes there are practical, valid reasons for imitation foods. I appreciate turkey bacon at hotel breakfasts in the Middle East. Fake shark’s fin soup at a Chinese banquet has all the flavour and none of the environmental crime. When I don’t feel like having alcohol at happy hour, I order American beer.

Buddhist Chinese restaurants have been creating mock meat dishes for years. Gluten and bean curd are manipulated into facsimile stir-fried beef, sweet and sour pork, and braised duck. Some places even offer a goofy faux vegetarian sushi.

I can accept the quirky appeal of such foods, but not their relevance to any kind of authentic cuisine. A friend suggested a valid reason monks invented mock meats was to wean new disciples off their animal-flesh diet. Being Buddhist meant you didn’t have to give up pork belly. It would just be made from seitan instead.

However, the conscientious fake-burger diner chooses to eat such imitation dishes. If it’s a moral choice then I respectfully applaud them. If it’s for their health, well, I remind them margarine was once a healthy alternative to butter. How did that work out?

Recently, I tried Impossible Foods’ new 2.0 version of their meatless beef burger in Hong Kong and, I admit, it is remarkably close to the real deal in its taste, texture and colour. If it helps the world reduce its consumption of cows, I’m all for it. But would I chose it over real beef? Not a chance.

Ultimately, the experience of eating a good vegan burger, even a really good one, reminds me of a really good drag queen show. The performers may look, sound and move like Tina Turner, Cher and Lady Gaga, but alas, they are not. And however enjoyable the impersonators are, I would still prefer the real thing.