How to make sex after 60 exciting, pleasurable and comfortable, and the health benefits involved

It’s not just millennials that are at it. Research from the US suggests that 40 per cent of people aged 65 to 80 are sexually active.

“We recognise that sex and sexual health is important to the well-being of older people – but it’s not something that gets a lot of attention,” said Dr Erica Solway, who led the University of Michigan study.

Solway said two in five study respondents indicated that they were currently sexually active, with sexual activity decreasing with age: 46 per cent of those aged 65 to 70 claimed to be sexually active, compared with 39 per cent aged 71 to 75 and 25 per cent aged 76 to 80.

Men were more likely to report being sexually active – 51 per cent versus 31 per cent of women – as were those who self-reported that their health was excellent, very good or good compared with those with fair or poor health (45 per cent versus 22 per cent).

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About half of those with a romantic partner (54 per cent) reported being sexually active, compared with 7 per cent of those without one. The vast majority respondents who were sexually active (92 per cent) reported that “sex is an important part of a romantic relationship”.

Nikki Green, a psychotherapist, sexual and marital therapist, and affairs expert, says there are many wonderful things to be celebrated about sex after 60.

“One of them is that you have a lot more time to play and explore, to really slow things down and take time to enjoy it,” says Green, who was born and is based in Hong Kong. “Fortunately with age, one would hope, comes wisdom, and a recognition that it’s less about the destination and so much more about the journey.”

What about those ageing bodies, though? Creaking joints? Stiffness where you don’t want it?

“Make the journey comfortable,” Green advises. “Use specially designed pillows placed strategically, and swings or straps to bear the weight. My favourite toy for women is the mega powerful Hitachi wand, which they can use on themselves, while comfortably lying on their sides as they pleasure their partners manually and orally, allowing things to last much longer without fatigue.”

This can also be a great time to explore Tantra, or sensual pleasure, Green adds.

“To keep sex exciting long term, it needs to become a mental adventure, too … This means experimenting playfully with power and control, as so many of our sexual fantasies are made up of this element. If you’re not aligned in your preferences then you’ll have to take turns, each showing up in ways that will thrill and excite your partner,” she says.

“Don’t expect it to be easy – most of us will be getting out of our comfort zone. Remember to communicate clearly about this, to talk in terms of wishes versus expectations and do it well before you take your clothes off, while you’re still feeling safe and strong.”

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Communication is key; don’t be shy. That’s one thing older couples have got on the millennials: they know what they like and what they don’t, and more importantly, how to articulate this.

With a little bit of effort, Green says, sex can morph into a “new-found appreciation of how amazing and pleasurable our bodies really are”.

There is, though, the sagging, the wrinkles, the liver spots and the fat. Doesn’t that change things?

Green says that people should be less preoccupied with physical appearance and concentrate on physical reaction. “Cover up a little if it makes you feel sexier, but banish that self-critical voice totally from the bedroom.”

Sex over 60 does come with its share of physiological challenges for men, she concedes. Impaired blood flow and subsequent nerve degeneration can sometimes make getting and maintaining an erection difficult.

“The important thing to remember here is that you don’t need an erection to have great sex,” she says. She explains that only 25 per cent of women reach orgasm through penetration, a figure from the 2005 book The Case of the Female Orgasm by Elisabeth Lloyd that analysed 33 studies conducted over 80 years. 

While there are plenty of medications available to help restore and sustain an erection, Green urges men to be aware of some serious side effects and to do a risk analysis before using them. There are many sex toys that can help too, “that help enhance an erection or even temporarily replace it”.

It’s not just older men that may have to battle physiological challenges; women often do as well.

“That same impaired blood flow and subsequent nerve degeneration to the genital area that comes with age can cause [women] a diminishment of feeling, which may require higher levels of stimulation,” Green says. “Some women also experience a decline in lubrication and a thinning of vaginal membranes during and after the menopause, which may lead to painful sex.”

While Green believes that sex at any age can always benefit from additional lubrication, she says it is crucial as people get older.

Regular sex helps make everything work better, she stresses.

“There is a real ‘use it or lose it’ quality to a woman’s physiology regarding sex, and regular sex keeps muscles and glands in good shape and triggers your body chemistry towards love- and health-enhancing states for both sexes. Pilates or yoga also helps keep those pelvic floor muscles strong.”

Sex can be beneficial for mental health too, especially as we get older. Dr Hayley Wright, assistant professor at the Centre for Advances in Behavioural Science at Coventry University in the UK, describes the findings of a study she led.

“Those who reported weekly sexual activity scored better on tests of verbal fluency and visuospatial ability than those who reported monthly or no sexual activity. We think this could possibly be due to higher levels of dopamine, which are associated with both sex and working memory, but this is only speculation at this stage,” Wright says.

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So it is clear that regular sex is good for us as we get older. One caveat though – don’t think that because you’re older and wiser you’re not vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases, as incidents among older people are growing alarmingly.

Green says many seniors who have divorced after long sexless marriages, or who have nursed a loved one to the end of their days, “are grabbing life by the proverbial and are going at it with a passion and verve that would have made their younger selves envious” – with negative consequences.

Post-menopausal women, for example, are wrong to assume that it is now safe to partake with reckless abandon, and protection should be used, Green says. “Herpes, human papillomavirus and, more obviously, HIV can have some very debilitating long-term effects on your health at a time in life when you really don’t need the extra challenges.”

Knowledge is power, she reminds us. “Even if you end up falling in love with someone who’s already been exposed, there are ways to minimise the risk of catching it yourself.”

So it’s not just millennials that need to worry about safe sex, either.