Gentlemen Dilemmas

Life is full of dilemmas: should I take the MTR or taxi to work? Should I order the overpriced chicken or overpriced steak? Does she really like me or have I successfully tricked this stupid gold-digger into thinking I’m rich? Here are some common dilemmas men in Hong Kong face every day—with answers.

The Summer Suit Dilemma
Ok, so you work in an office and wear a suit. This is a good thing since the suit hides your fat, puffy body. But it’s tough in the summer when it’s so hot out that you just saw an old woman melt like in “The Wizard of Oz.” The minute you walk outside from the air conditioned bliss, on comes the sweat. And it’s baaaad.

The perspiration starts on your lower back then quickly spreads like a virus across the entire back of your shirt, then to the front. And it’s everywhere. And it’s sticky and gross. BUT, thankfully, nobody really sees the stains since you’re wearing a suit and perhaps a tie. The dilemma:

A. Do you take off your suit jacket to cool down but show the world the outline of your gross sweaty body? Or
B. Do you keep your jacket on causing you to sweat even more and feel increasingly disgusted as you drip back to the office?

Answer: B. As any Cathay flight attendant will tell you, private shame is better than public. Get to the office, book a private conference room, turn up the AC, and discreetly remove your jacket. You’ll dry off in like 20 minutes. It’s still gross but like that Macau trip, only you need to know¹.

The Round of Drinks Dilemma
Hey, it’s party time! You’re by the bar and Lil Jon comes on. Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Everybody! OK, time for shots.

So you take out the Visa and start to order the round of shots. Since you’re in Hong Kong that means either Patron XO, Grey Goose vodka, or kamikazes if you’re a moron and like paying $100 for a thimble of fruit juice. “How many should I get?” you ask the crowd.

Just then your friend James shows up and high fives you. That’s OK, you like James. But along with him are his terrible friends from overseas: four guys in baseball caps visiting Hong Kong. They’re wearing running shoes and T-shirts that say Stop Peak-ing at me with a picture of the Peak. Do you:

A. Add them to the group for the round of shots, paying $400 more for these fools? Or
B. Order the shots you were going to, take them with your friends, and patronize the visitors with generic questions about how they like
Hong Kong?

Answer: A. It’s painful, yes, but you have to do it. Nothing’s worse than that douchebag who looks you in the eye, nods, then buys shots for all his friends while you stand there like an idiot. Don’t be that guy. You’re at a club. Throw down the cash.

The Crazy Girl Dilemma
You meet a girl. Probably after the shots at the club. She’s very cute and smiles a lot. That’s good. But also, she’s kinda- might-be-probably crazy. How do you know? Any of the following: 1. She calls or is texting with her mom currently; 2. She compares herself to a character on Sex and the City, Gossip Girl, or Glee depending on age; 3. She has more than three cats; 4. She talks about her dog—who has a weird cutesy name—incessantly; 5. She asks, “I’m not crazy, right?” more than once; 6. She asks you a “completely hypothetical” question about a situation with a guy and girl and you instinctually know that if you answer differently than what she expects she will hate you forever and may murder you. BUT, she wants to go home with you. Do you

A. Do it?
B. Don’t do it.

The answer is B. But you probably already know that and are ignoring it. Too many type-A personalities in Hong Kong.

¹ And the police.