Hipsters are not as cool as you think

I have a problematic new boyfriend. He's handsome, cool and stylish. But perhaps a little too stylish though. Sadly, he is a member of a disparaged social demographic, looked down by many and disdained by even more. Yes, I am dating a "hipster".

I'm sure he can't help it. He was just born this way and maybe we should just accept him for what he is. There is already enough hate in this world and in this day and age we all need to be inclusive. But honestly, there are times when I can't stand him and his stupid beard.

What exactly is a hipster? It's hard to define but you'll be annoyed by one when you see him. They're rich brats posing as working-class intellectuals. They spend big dollars to meticulously cultivate that second-hand thrift store look, style their hair like they don't own a comb, and eat organic kale and quinoa washed down with equally overpriced microbrewed beers. Then, there's that overgrown, scratchy, aggravating beard.

You'll recognise their natural habitat at vegan restaurants and coffee bars. They're the ones wearing cropped skinny pants, designer bowling shirts and the nerd glasses. They are as authentic as a Temple Street watch but they think they are changing the world one DJ gig at a time. Tragically, they have no clue how contrived they all are.

My hipster guy contemplated a career as an artisan barista until he realised the pimply kid at McCafe made better cappuccino art than he could. Now he's pursuing the possibility of being an Instagram artist. He says he's trying to decide on a gallery to represent him. So far, no one has actually offered.

Initially, I thought he was ruggedly cute, like that bearded flirt who overpaid for his hotel room in the Trivago commercial. But now I am getting a little tired of rubbing up against his mangy face every time we hug or he gives me a kiss. I like his affection; I just don't like the itchy discomfort of being cheek to cheek with a wool sweater. Each time he leans in, I feel like I'm about to make out with the clump clogging my drain.

Just who decided beards were fashionable anyway? It certainly can't have been a female.

Men have dictated a standard of beauty that requires us to shave almost every follicle from our bodies otherwise we are considered grotesque hairy monsters, but somehow it's okay for them to grow a rug on their face. How is this fair, guys?

Frankly, I just don't understand the appeal of moustaches, sideburns, and especially the horrid goatee. But the prickly, annoying scruff of a hipster beard is the worst. I don't care if Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman sported one. I think I'm through with dating someone who looks a member of ZZ Top.

The Aristocrat