Liverpool have won the Premier League and if you’re not one of them, following is some much needed advice. Print this out and stick it up wherever you keep your beer. A wave of Scouse glee is imminent, and if you hear their attack warning, you and your family must take cover. There will be little respite in forthcoming days. Those Manchester United fans who joked about flying to remote islands on the other side of the world to avoid continual scenes of Scouse success can, of course, no longer do that. Current restrictions mean no possible journeys to remote spots with no mobile phone signal, such as Tristan da Cunha, Rockall or Old Trafford on a match day. You’re stuck at home and run the risk of a cry of “Gerrin, la!” from an errant neighbour. Even the dogs sound like they yap in a Scouse accents if you’re of a paranoid mind. “Woof” becomes “Rush” and a shrill bark sounds like ”Dijk, Dijk, Dijk, Van Dijk.” Liverpool clinch Premier League title as Manchester City relinquish their crown at Chelsea Unplug the internet. Newspapers should be shredded from the back page inward. If you’re in the UK and can’t face switching off your TV for four weeks, turn your aerial so that you can only receive programmes in Welsh. Limit yourself to radio stations which only play music. Better still, those emitting only classical sounds since songs by the “Thes” of Beatles, Farm and La’s will inflict deep psychological damage. Beware, too, the Bunnymen, Cast, Shack or that “anthem” about pedaloes crossing a stream. Even songs from the most ardent Mancunians carry danger: “Mersey Paradise” by the Stone Roses or New Order’s cameo with John Barnes and Peter Beardsley. During the imminent Liverpool love-in, social distancing will have its uses. Otherwise innocent Mancunians can be caught by surprise when the workmate from Warrington, with hitherto limited previous interest in football, starts referring to a Brazilian he doesn’t know simply as “Bobby”. It’s happening but, if you insist, fun is still possible along the way. After Liverpool had drawn at Everton in Sunday’s Merseyside derby, I tweeted about their recent form. Liverpool’s last 7 games: LWLLWLD. Know they’ve got half a chance of winning the league for the first time since AD1990, but I’m thinking next season and relegation with this form. People would miss games v Liverpool if they go down. — Andy Mitten (@AndyMitten) June 21, 2020 Clearly a joke, or so I thought. Thousands of Liverpool fans thought I was being serious and a tonne of tribal abuse followed. One website, which charges for content, even listed my employers to question if they should be hiring someone who thought Liverpool were going down next season, as many Liverpool fans who did see the funny side told them to get over it. It was the smallest of gnat bites on the elephant in the room – the best Liverpool team in decades who have now sealed their first English league title in 30 years . Still, one Manchester United fan commented that Jurgen Klopp was a “bottler”. That’s Klopp who is the coach of the current European and world champions. The German has little to prove, he’s one of the top managers in the world and his side have been magnificent for much of the last 18 months, which is quite difficult to say through gritted teeth. They’ve built the team the right way, they’ve scouted and recruited well, they’ve beaten the best. Their wage bill is lower than Manchester United’s who are THIRTY SEVEN points behind in a title race that never was because Liverpool were so accomplished. Klopp’s had a great year. Even when he received a letter from a distressed young Manchester United fan in Ireland about what is to come, he replied with a winning return. Swipe at Liverpool by all means, but they’re the team to be beaten, the ones who have set the benchmark. They’ll have plenty of challenges as foes seek to knock them off their perch as they look to do what the truly great sides do and win titles two or three years in a row. Past Liverpool sides did this. Can Klopp’s? Ole Gunnar Solskjaer eyes Fernandes with Pogba as he looks for a fix to midfield conundrum I absolutely hope not as Liverpool’s title tally lurches to 19. Manchester United are at 20 and I’m encouraged by the way United are starting to shape up. But United have a long way to go and Liverpool are firmly at the top – as it was so often the other way in the ’90s and noughties, except Liverpool kept slipping when they got near the summit. Liverpool have chinks in their armour, if not on the field. The supercilious “This means more” marketing slogan claims special status and Scousers I know cringe at it, as they did when their club misstepped and initially furloughed their staff during the pandemic . Closed doors are harsh on match-going Liverpool fans who can’t get to see their success, including those who normally stand on the Kop, that famous terrace with the power to collectively suck a football into the net from a 100 yards away. For, as the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said: “Football is nothing without fans.” These are nervous, uncertain times. Be strong. Fate, up against your will, through the thick and thin. Stick together, help each other. This storm is coming, it won’t be pleasant, but it will pass. And it still won’t be 20 times.