We’ve all had to be a little stealthy in our real lives at some point, whether it’s sneaking into the classroom a couple of minutes late, or quietly hiding behind some furniture to avoid that weird aunt who still pats you on the head – even though you’re a senior secondary school student.
However, if you need any advice on the art of stealth, you should avoid taking it from these video game characters who are really, really bad at hiding.
Spec Ops soldier and former Green Beret Solid Snake is no stranger to missions where secrecy and stealth are of utmost importance. Usually dropped off into hostile territory with no backup against overwhelming odds, it’s in his best interest to complete the mission quickly and quietly.
That’s why it’s so strange that his hiding spot of choice is … inside a cardboard box. Dubbed the QPCS (Quick-deployment Personal Concealment System), Snake carries around this lowly container at all times and quickly slips inside when enemies are nearby.
As expected, however, it’s not a very effective way to remain inconspicuous, and baddies will usually walk over to investigate, especially if Snake is in an outdoor environment such as a forest.
Then they start shooting. Last time we checked, cardboard wasn’t bulletproof.
We get it. Trying to escape from a slowly failing space station while being stalked by a hyper-intelligent, nigh-indestructible alien is incredibly stressful. And those homicidal androids and hostile survivors, who shoot first and ask questions later, aren’t helping either. But we still feel that Ripley could have found a better hiding spot than … under a table.
That’s right. When confronted by the two-metre-tall xenomorph, which has very sensitive hearing and is lightning quick, Ripley routinely decides to crouch under a desk or table and hope for the best. Often, this results in a quick “Game Over” screen, but sometimes this tactic does work if she stays completely still as the alien inches ever closer. All she has to do is not breathe until the alien loses interest. Easy peasy, right!?
Ezio Auditore is a member of the Assassins, a secret order sworn to protect free will by battling the Knights Templar who seek to control all of mankind with powerful ancient artefacts. As a highly-skilled agent, he has received various types of training in combat, parkour and the art of disguise.
Unfortunately, it looks like he must have skipped classes about the art of stealth because he is comically bad at hiding.
When being pursued by hostile guards, Ezio likes to … sit on a bench and try to blend in with the other citizens. This wouldn’t normally be a bad idea if you’re trying to lose someone in a crowd, but Ezio is fully decked out in the official Assassin uniform, complete with long flowing cape, weapons belt, and lethal arm blades.
Try to wear something less conspicuous next time, OK, buddy? At least lose the cape, no matter how stylish it makes you look.
Link is good at many things. Swordsmanship. Cooking. Archery. Hang gliding. But one thing he is definitely not good at is stealth, as evidenced by his choice of hiding place in 2002’s Wind Waker. When infiltrating Ganon’s Forsaken Fortress, Link pops into a large wine barrel and then proceeds to creep through the enemy-infested lair WITH THE THING STILL ON.
When he sees a baddie or a searchlight, he stops in his tracks and stays still while hoping no one will investigate the single, suspicious cask that clearly wasn’t there a few seconds ago. Maybe you should just stick to sword fighting, Link. Or cooking.