In an uneggspected turn of events, the Easter Bunny is resigning from his post as the animal mascot for this holiday, making 2018 his last year he’ll serve in the role he’s occupied since the 1700s.
In his statement to the public, the floppy-eared rodent explained why he’s making this decision – “the most difficult I’ve ever had to make; even harder than when I had to decide whether or not to start making chocolate bunnies – felt a bit wrong, y’know ... ” – for very personal reasons related to his health and well-being.
“Honestly, I never wanted to reveal the true reason why I’m resigning, but I feel my story may help others,” he told Young Post in an exclusive phone interview.
The Easter Bunny has an addiction … to chocolate.
“I can’t help it! I know it’s for the children – the lovely, lovely children – but can’t get enough of the creamy stuff!” Sobbing and the crinkle of foil wrappers could be heard from the other end of the line.
“With so much chocolate around me, it’s so easy to sneak a piece here, and a piece there, every hour or so,” the fluffy mascot whispered into the phone. “I hope by confessing here, I will help others to understand that just because something is easy and it’s there, doesn’t mean you should allow it to control you. It’s all about moderation and self-hare ... I mean, care!”
Hearing his woeful tone, it’s difficult not to feel sorry for him, but why didn’t he get help before? Or why wasn’t there someone to help him manage his love of the sweet treat?
“Look, it’s not like I’m Santa Claus!” he snarled down the line. “I don’t have elves prancing around helping me. Santa’s got so many on his staff; maybe he could’ve transferred a few to give me a hand. Because getting all this chocolate ready and bringing it to children all over the world is so much more stressful than you’d expect; and I’m a stress eater!”
The Easter Bunny explains that for centuries, he had worked with one chocolate manufacturer – but now it’s not so simple.
“Kids nowadays are just more picky,” he lamented. “Milk chocolate used to be fine, they were happy just to know I’d dropped by. Now, though, some prefer artisan chocolate, single source chocolate, or this thing called … mockolate?”
The Easter Bunny clarified that as an animal, he fully supports those whose lifestyle choices – choosing Fairtrade Easter eggs, say – help other animals, but “it has made my work a whole lot harder.”
If you’re worried about next year’s choc haul, don’t; he’s a responsible rabbit.
“I would never want children to be disappointed during Easter, so I’ve already started interviewing potential replacements.”
So far, he hasn’t had much luck.
“I’ve had a number of Pokemon apply, but I worry kids will just try to catch them all the time and they won’t get around to bringing chocolate to everyone. I’ve also had a puppy named Dennis Goodboy apply, but a little burrowing revealed he’s already a mascot for something else, and that doesn’t seem right.”
Once the Easter Bunny finds the right successor, he plans on starting to train for this year’s Bunny Hop Marathon.
“I need to remove myself from my environment,” he said firmly, “and I need a better lifestyle. I have become … shall we say fluffier than I used to be from sneaking so many pieces of chocolate all these years. It’s important to be healthy.”
Hang on, though, will he continue to be known as the Easter Bunny once he retires? Won’t that confuse people?
“Oh, I’m literally not called Easter Bunny, don’t be silly,” he chuckled. “Once I retire, I can go by my real name again: Emmett Bunnison.”
Young Post wishes the Easter Bun, erm, Mr Bunnison, a hoppy retirement, and hopes that he’ll hare a good April Fool’s Day.