So who can tell Jack to sit down? The man has easily made over US$100 million in a prolific film career that has spanned the better part of four decades. He has been so good and so memorable that to call him a film star would seem to be an understatement. He is an icon whose Cheshire cat-grin is immediately recognisable from Shanghai to Saginaw and all points in between. But just like the basketball team he so fanatically supports from his pricey courtside seats, Jack Nicholson is a tired old act who won't sit down. It breaks my heart to admit this. I remember what Jack used to be, how inspiring and riveting he was in Easy Rider, Five Easy Pieces, The Last Detail, Chinatown and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He was my hero. But that was more than 25 years ago and now he is just another tired old windbag of a Lakers fan grinning his way through movies like Anger Management, no longer an actor, getting paid millions simply to play Jack. His latest turn at playing Jack was during game three of the Los Angeles Lakers western conference semi-final playoff series against the San Antonio Spurs. The Spurs took a 2-0 lead into Tinsel town to play the three-time defending champion Lakers, otherwise known as Shaq, Kobe, Phil and one of the most forgettable supporting casts in the history of Hollywood. Led by an apartment block of a centre in Shaquille O'Neal and one of the greatest clutch players in the history of the NBA in Kobe Bryant and overseen by a new-age sage of a coach who is far brighter than you will ever be in Phil Jackson, the Lakers have managed to win three consecutive titles. Only one was easy, the other two were desperate saves when the Lakers pulled themselves back from the brink. But they were three titles nonetheless and whether they were convincing or not it gave the star crossed savants, loosely referred to in LA as basketball fans, a sense of entitlement that automatically assumed a fourth consecutive title was in the offing. But the Spurs were providing stiff resistance and it forced both Jack and Phil to act. Jackson spent all his time leading up to game three telling the world how horrible the officiating had been in the first two games down in Texas, that Kobe and Shaq were being manhandled. Things will change on our home court, Jackson promised, even though Phil wasn't actually the guy wearing the whistle. Sure enough within seconds of the tip-off, fouls were called aplenty on the hapless Spurs and despite hammering into submission anybody assigned to guard him, Shaq was also going to the free throw line. But in the second quarter, the tide turned slightly and the referee called Shaq for his third foul. Jack couldn't take it. Rising form his courtside seat, he lashed out at the refs and the vapid crowd, nipped and tucked to perfection, cheered with delight. The refs told Jack they would throw him out if he continued. 'Two bad calls,' he screamed, 'And you're going to run me? I'll f***ing get you, I'll f***ing get you!' Later, Jack told one and all that he was not out of line. 'I pay a lot of money for these seats,' he said. 'This is the NBA, you can't tell me to sit down.' According to reports, actress Dyan Cannon ran over to congratulate Jack on undressing the officials. Now this is what really bothers me about Laker fans. Actress Dyan Cannon? Over the past 10 years Cannon has been in four movies: Kangaroo Jack, Out To Sea, That Darn Cat and The Pickle. You know, this morning I made some toast with peanut butter. Maybe I should move to LA and call myself a gourmet chef. Why not? These people are really that deluded. And no team have ever got more favourable refereeing than the Lakers of Magic Johnson received some 20 years ago. For a group of fans who are aboard more for the glamour than the game, they have been rewarded far more than they deserve. What a truly tired act they are. But the only way it seems that we can get them to sit down would be for a team like the Spurs to emphatically put them down. After losing both games in LA, the Spurs returned to Texas with the series tied at two and a choker label soon to be affixed. The basketball world pondered a few more insufferable weeks of Phil's whining, Shaq's pounding, Jack's barking and Dyan's acting. The Spurs rebounded to win game five and headed back to LA for some bad refereeing and worse acting. But this time none of that mattered. Led by the best player in basketball, Tim Duncan, and the only Frenchman getting any kind of love these days in the US, guard Tony Parker, the Spurs came to LA and pounded the Lakers to win by 28 points and eliminate the reigning champions. So who can tell Jack to sit down? And Phil and Kobe and Shaq and, God help us, Dyan Cannon? The Spurs can, that's who. Thank you Mr Duncan and thank you Mr Parker. Basketball fans the world over are in your debt now and forever.
