Tips for a better sex life: more talk and less action will help Hong Kong couples in the bedroom

Forget about sexual acrobatics or obsessing about your performance between the sheets – it’s being communicative, respectful and generous to the one you love that matters most of all

PUBLISHED : Sunday, 10 June, 2018, 3:15pm
UPDATED : Tuesday, 16 October, 2018, 3:18pm

The fear of not being good in bed is a source of great sexual insecurity for many and it could lead to crippling self-doubt, meaning people are often reluctant to share their feelings with others, even their partners.

Some of the burning questions people have but don’t dare to ask openly include: “How does one become good in bed?”, “Is it something you are born with?”, “If not, is it something you could learn?” or “Could bad sex break a relationship?”

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These typical questions may not encapsulate the prerequisites for being a good lover, but at least they show many do value being seen in a good light as a sexual partner. Some people seem more natural than others between the sheets but sadly, it’s something we can’t really explain scientifically.

It’s like trying to work out why some individuals are more awkward at public speaking than others. But they can still train themselves to overcome their fear and build confidence over time, provided they are willing to learn and practise it.

Sex is the same; some are more self-conscious in bed or have doubts about their body image or question if they are skilful enough to please their partners. Understandably, people in general are curious if they are doing the right thing in the bedroom. Concerns about their own performance are bound to rise from time to time, especially if they don’t get regular reassurance from their partners.

Ariadna Peretz, founder of Maitre D’ate Ltd, a Hong Kong-based matchmaking agency, is optimistic however that the problem can be fixed if there is an open channel of communication.

“Sex and intimacy are a very important component of any romantic relationship. Like other aspects of a relationship, needs and wants constantly evolve, therefore it’s important to communicate honestly,” she says.

Giving feedback is the single most important factor, and whether it’s positive or not, it must be constructive, says Valentina Tudose, dating coach and relationship expert of Happy Ever After. She points out that the biggest worry both men and women have is actually not knowing how to please their partner.

“Some women worry about not being very sexually experienced and so they feel unsure about what to do,” she says. “While men often associate being good in bed with the size of genitals and how long they last, both of which are warped perspectives heavily influenced by pornography, where ‘performance’ is staged.”

Tudose says it’s common for people to fear that if they don’t measure up to that kind of “performance”, their partner would judge them as being inadequate in bed.

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Sara Tang, a pleasure coach and founder of Sarasense, echoes these views saying that many people don’t really know what being “good in bed” entails and set unrealistic expectations based on pornographic movies they have seen.

“I try to educate my clients that sex is absolutely not about performance, but about connection, which is the most natural way to create intimacy and express your feelings for the other person,” Tudose says.

She stresses that the most important aspect of being good in bed is to show care about your partner’s pleasure more than your own. It shouldn’t be about showing off some sexual acrobatic moves or trying out new positions every time.

Another major problem according to Tudose, is there are many women who have never actually experienced sexual pleasure so sex tends to be a chore for them. This naturally hinders their ability to be more adventurous and open in bed as they tend to be unresponsive during sex.

Tudose says although we shouldn’t view being “good in bed” as the be-all-and-end-all in maintaining a strong relationship, any romantic partnership that lacks satisfying sex almost always creates other problems such as lack of intimacy and distance between partners, which could lead to resentment, cheating and eventually break-ups.

Tang explains: “Sex is a form of intimacy and emotional connection, so when that is threatened, the relationship can be threatened too. Fortunately, everyone can be a good and skilful lover, it just takes willingness to listen, take directions and accept criticism.”

But it is not always that easy to achieve, and Tudose warns that if the partners are truly incompatible sexually, it can indeed be a deal breaker. “No amount of learning can substitute chemistry and the ability to meet each other’s needs in the bedroom,” she says.

Besides learning the right lovemaking techniques, the basics are as enduring and essential as ever such as being considerate and generous.

Good lovers are people who put their own satisfaction second and truly derive the greatest pleasure from making absolutely sure their partner is having an amazing time.

It’s important to realise that being good or bad in bed is rather subjective, because what works for one person could be a disaster for another. However, it is accepted wisdom that the worst lovers are those who are selfish, which means no foreplay, not asking for consent to try new things, or simply ignoring or dismissing the needs of the partner, Tudose points out.

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“Sex is nature’s very own ‘relationship glue’. It’s the best way to emotionally connect with your partner and experience that high we all want to feel for each other, that sense of being ‘known’, of being deeply understood by your partner. The same feeling that people describe as ‘you get me’”, Tudose says.

On a side note, the way one carries themselves in public can also be a good indicator of bedroom skills.

“It would be amazing if there was such a thing as a Trip Advisor for bedroom skills, things are not that easy in real life though. If someone feels good about themselves, is confident (without being arrogant and self-involved), respectful and generous there is a good chance they would be a good lover,” Tudose says.

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So next time your other half wants to snuggle up and partake in some post-Netflix “chill”, make sure to put your listening ears on, keep an open line of communication and be attentive to their needs. But most importantly, remember to have fun.

LIKES AND DISLIKES IN BED

Turn-ons

Authentic and natural

Adventurous

Sex positive

Willingness to enhance pleasure

Intense eye contact

Turn-offs

Poor personal hygiene

Moving too fast

Overly critical

Lack of confidence

Faking pleasure

Luisa Tam is a senior editor at the Post and a former sex talk-show host at DBC Radio