The Naked Truth | How jealousy can wreck even the strongest relationships, why it’s in our genes, and when to walk away rather than put up with it
A relationship expert explains why jealousy is a curse, how to avoid the fear and anger it causes, and why you can’t beat it
Jealousy is a silent killer that can threaten or destroy even the strongest relationships. The emotions it triggers, including anxiety, fear, anger, pain, and insecurity, are often indicators of underlying problems in your love life.
A friend of mine was on the bitter receiving end of jealousy. His long-term girlfriend would often throw a fit when he talked to, smiled at or acted courteously towards another woman; he certainly couldn’t be friendly to his ex-spouse. Her jealousy peaked when she ordered him not to interact with any woman while she was around. To stay sane, he had to end their relationship.
In her book The Anatomy of Love, Dr Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and human behaviourist, says there is a genetic reason for jealousy. For males, it’s a way to protect their mate from other males, and therefore have a better chance of passing on their DNA. Females get jealous to fend off potential rivals so they (and their progeny) can have more resources and thus a higher chance of survival.
Jealousy may have a role in mating strategies, but we still can’t ignore the adverse effect it has on relationships, says Ariadna Peretz, founder of matchmaking agency Maitre D’ate. “I think it affects a relationship negatively and it can ruin it when we forget that jealousy is caused [by] our own fear, and not necessarily caused by the actions of the person we love.”
Peretz highlights a scary statistic cited in Fisher’s book: “In records collected in 66 cultures, anthropologists William Jankowiak and Diane Hardgrave found that 88 per cent of men and 64 per cent of women have turned to physical violence when they felt betrayed; indeed, male jealousy is a leading cause of spousal homicide in the United States today.”
Is jealousy a reaction of love? “It is definitely not a sign of love,” Peretz says. “Please don’t let anyone convince that it’s a sign of love. I think it’s a sign of insecurity and fear of rejection.