Love is a decision apart from being driven by chemistry or compatibility. So once you know you have found someone suitable, you must invest your love and put in the effort to make it work and last.

So does “The One” really exist? Biologically speaking, we are not built for solitude. Our very own survival is dependent on someone “having our back”.

From ancient times, we have looked for that one person who can be there for us, someone who gets us and stands by our side to make sure we feel less alone and vulnerable in the world, says Valentina Tudose, a certified dating coach and relationship expert.

“But today we live much longer lives and the kind of partner and relationship we need in our 20s or 30s is often different from what we need once we’ve had the family. Sadly, nowadays, it feels like we need more than just one – but definitely one at a time.”

At all stages of life we still look for that special someone who can offer the perfect balance of “sameness” and “otherness”; that someone with whom we can create a deep and meaningful connection, while at the same time is different and mysterious so we can learn and grow together and be challenged to become a better version of ourselves, Tudose adds.

The definition of “The One” is different not only from person to person but also on where we are in our lives, Tudose explains. But there are some prerequisites that are irreplaceable.

Firstly, alignment on a common vision is a must. Tudose likens relationships to being in a boat together. “If you’re both rowing in the same direction the chances are you will get to your destination quickly and efficiently. Knowing what that destination is for you is a great starting point when searching for ‘The One’.”

Secondly, focus on what you want from an ideal partner – the things that must be present for you to be happy.

“We all have certain requirements that must be present for the relationship to function, such as honesty, trust and respect. Some people may have a more pressing need for attention, or being prioritised or allowed a lot of personal space. So having complete clarity of what you want makes it much easier to decide if they are ‘The One’,” Tudose says.

Lastly, there needs to be shared values and interests such as both wanting children and building a family, or simply experiencing the world together, she says.

Clarity on what we want in our ideal relationship is the most important factor in deciding who will be the most suitable partner at any point in our life.

We need to ask ourselves: “What is my biggest goal in life right now and how would my ideal partner fit into that?” Tudose advises.

“Maybe you want a partner that can support you and inspire you in your journey of self-discovery or in building a new business. It depends on what you expect of their contributions because not everyone you meet will be able to give you what you need.”

Also important is being honest with yourself regarding your needs and wants.

“Starting a relationship because you need someone means you feel incomplete and somehow you are expecting another person to heal your wounds or ‘make you whole’,” Tudose says.

“Therefore, it is best to work on your issues and find the clarity and confidence to be yourself first. And when you are ready to give up the need to have a partner, you can then make a choice to only want the one who can enhance your life.”

But she warns that we cannot change and shape a person into becoming “The One”.

“The only person we can truly change is ourselves through the choices we make. For us to meet the ideal partner, we have to become our ideal partner first. That means that if we require total honesty, we need to be able to give total honesty. And if we want emotional intimacy, we need to be capable of being vulnerable and share authentically from the heart.”

The most fundamental requirement in any relationship is “balance”, Tudose says, which means equal amounts of give, take and mutual respect.

What if we are already involved in a relationship or even engaged or married, and then “The One” appears?

“Most of the time, we have no idea what we want when we follow our heart into relationships that are more meant to be lessons than blessings, so we often end up with partners who are only in our life to teach us what we don’t want,” Tudose says.

“They deserve a lot of love and gratitude because this is an important gift. Not everyone we are in a relationship with is meant to stay, and we often discover they do not meet our requirements after we’ve made a commitment.

“The reality is that unmet requirements usually create unsolvable problems, so trying to make things work with someone who doesn’t meet your core criteria means compromising or giving up on things that are important to you. It is, after all, a choice we make.”

Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post