Any food connoisseur would tell you that to enjoy a meal, you should never shovel it down but eat it slowly to savour every delicious bite. And if it takes twice as long to finish, so be it, because it means double the enjoyment. Most would agree that a great and satisfying meal should always comprise an appetiser, a main course, and a dessert; the same is true for sex. Using this food analogy, foreplay in sex is as important as an appetiser in a meal in that they both serve to whet one’s appetite and tease the “taste buds”. Just as a well thought out three-course meal can satisfy one’s appetite, so can good foreplay and sex. But more often than not, foreplay is neglected or even dismissed as a waste of time. A lot of people assume foreplay is a separate part of the sexual experience that we could do without. One reason is that sex is often driven by the singular goal of achieving an orgasm. In fact, foreplay matters a lot, as it can help the body to become physically aroused so that sexual intercourse can happen seamlessly. Foreplay can forge and deepen a sexual connection, and it can be good enough in itself when done properly. “For many, foreplay is the things they do before sex to warm up. It may involve kissing, fondling, caressing, maybe genital play that can help build closeness and emotional intimacy so that the mind is ready for more sexual interaction,” says Dr Kristin Zeising, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist. For some, oral sex is foreplay. For others, that is the main goal. Therefore, communication about what you want during your sexual interaction is helpful, says Zeising. However, if it’s viewed as just something one has to do to get the other “in the mood” then that detracts from the intimacy and can become mechanical or even a turn-off, she warns. “When it’s viewed as a list of certain steps one takes before they can get to the ‘real stuff’ it may lose its meaning and value.” So can couples maintain good sex and sexual intimacy in the absence of foreplay? “Some couples skip the foreplay and jump straight into sex. These couples may not need much warming up, or are new in the relationship so they are frequently turned on and ready for sex. They can have good sex without it but most women, and many men, find that they need foreplay to help get in the mood and get their bodies loosened up, lubed up and primed for sex,” Zeising explains. Foreplay can create deeper intimacy if viewed as something that is positive and connecting. But if one does not know how to engage in foreplay that turns their partner on, it can be a turn-off and create frustration or disappointment, she says. Unfortunately, some people are bad at it. “We talk about bad foreplay when a person is doing something that they think should turn their partner on but doesn’t, or when they are disconnected from the cues that their partner is giving so they aren’t in sync,” Zeising explains. “Sometimes they may be too rough with their touch, or rush through it or they see it as something less important than intercourse so they spend just a couple of minutes on it.” The common causes of these problems are people’s lack of education about sexuality and what being erotic or sensual is all about. But it’s not the end of your sex life if your partner is bad at foreplay, says Zeising – there are lots of tips and tricks to improve the situation. “You can watch a movie that you know has some sexy scenes and comment about how you’d love it if your partner did that to you. Or you can read a book or website about sexuality together,” she says. “Even better, you can tell them what kinds of things really turn you on. You can also be curious about them and ask how their ideal foreplay would look step-by-step and be specific.” On the question of how much is enough foreplay or what is normal, Zeising says every couple has their own foreplay dance. Kissing is usually where people begin. Moving into gently touching or caressing their partner and not going straight for the genitals is best Dr Kristin Zeising “There is no overdoing foreplay. It is a form of sexual intimacy,” she says. And for those who are shy or inexperienced in the bedroom, she has some advice. “Kissing is usually where people begin. Moving into gently touching or caressing their partner and not going straight for the genitals is best. Asking seductively ‘you like this?’ can be a guide or asking ‘what would you like?’ can also be helpful,” Zeising says. “It’s all in the tone though. Remember not to say it like you do in a job interview, but more seductive and playful. “You can also ask your partner to take your hand and show you how they’d like it to touch them. And remember to observe how your partner is responding and tune into them to see if they are groaning or breathing hard when you do certain things.” It is also advisable for beginners to learn some basic knowledge about men and women’s bodies, which means learning about their erogenous zones from reputable websites and other resources. Foreplay can also help couples with sexual difficulties, she adds. “Especially if people are having difficulties with performance like erectile dysfunction, foreplay can take the pressure off the penis to perform and still allow a couple to have sexual connection,” she says. “If there are other reasons why sexual intercourse is not desirable, having foreplay or other sexual interactions we refer to as ‘outercourse’, are also perfectly satisfying.” How to show a partner to do it right ● Be gentle in the approach and avoid shaming or being critical to your partner ● Start with “I’d really like to know what I can do to turn you on …” Then let them know what you’d like in return ● Give cues when you like something (e.g. moaning, groaning to indicate pleasure) ● Reinforce with positive comments like: “That feels so good” ● Redirect them: if they are doing something you do not like, move their hand or mouth to an area that you’d prefer ● Communicate directly: you can gently ask to speed up or slow down ● Use positive statements about what turns you on like “I really like it when you …” ● Guide their hand and show them how you like to be touched Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post