Feeling trapped in a relationship will make anyone feel suffocated – and that feeling can lead to misery, despair or even depression. It can cause partners to dislike, distrust or hate one another, because each sees the other as the enemy keeping them trapped. Such relationships can become very toxic and self-destructive, but some people are too afraid to take responsibility for their choices and regain control of the situation to live the life they want. As a result, they hide these negative feelings, endure them in silence and carry on as usual because of obligations or the fear of letting people down. People who feel trapped are unaware they have options to free themselves and their partners, or don’t know how to express themselves. They resign themselves to a lifetime of misery and feel unable to change their predicament. So how do two people who used to love each other get stuck in an emotional rut? Tips for making your relationship as strong as possible “When we meet someone we like, we spend all our time trying to build intimacy so that we feel ‘known, seen and safe’,” says Valentina Tudose, a relationship expert and certified hypnotherapist. “A desire to ‘merge’ with this person, to become ‘one’, to get to know each other deeply, and be accepted by them is the first objective we try to achieve. “While this is great and completely natural in the ‘romance or lust phase’ of the relationship, it can backfire when this merger goes so deep that a person feels they are losing their sense of identity.” When this happens, Tudose says, it triggers a fear of being smothered or trapped and of losing oneself and it leads to the second phase of a relationship, the “power struggle”. “After the ‘romance phase’ is complete, we unconsciously go the other way trying to redefine our sense of identity and figure out how this relationship has changed us.” This is when we start to notice aspects of a partner that are not perfect as once thought, she adds. “We realise that things may not be as they seemed. “Depending on the choices we made, how committed we have become, how we settled for less than what we wanted, and how we didn’t establish clear boundaries, we may find ourselves stuck in situations we perceive as hopeless.” For most people, a balanced relationship means enough time to do things together with their partner but also spending enough time in individual pursuits that make them happy Valentina Tudose, relationship expert and certified hypnotherapist This gives us the impression we have to endure the situation, even if it means suffering in silence. Sometimes, this helplessness becomes so ingrained that people stay years or decades in this space, growing ever more resentful of their partner. Such people fail to recognise that not making a choice is a choice in itself, and that the only way out is to take action, Tudose explains. Tudose says: “All relationships evolve differently and are subject to different kinds of pressures. For most people, a balanced relationship means enough time to do things together with their partner but also spending enough time in individual pursuits that make them happy. “When this ‘me time’ is lacking because of imposed quarantine [such as during the coronavirus pandemic], or when couples are forced to face their lack of intimacy and connection, the sense that they are no longer who they were becomes much more noticeable and a lot of conflicts appear as a result. “Couples who have a clear sense of self identity, who are used to spending time together but also respect each other’s space, can even enjoy the experience without feeling trapped or smothered, as they are clear on boundaries and roles and have aligned their expectations,” Tudose says. The act of unconditional love: how to love without limits For those who fear that feeling trapped might spell the end of their relationship, Tudose offers this insight. “I believe most of the time, we fall in love with a fantasy we create of a person rather than the ‘real’ them; that’s what the ‘romance phase’ is based on. “When this part of the relationship is over, reality kicks in. It is not to say that the love is gone. It’s more like it’s time for a realistic re-evaluation of the connection.” What people need to do is to re-evaluate what brought you together and what is keeping you together. If this forces you to realise your reason is based on a short-lived attraction, it is a good sign you need to move on. On the other hand, she points out that if “the feeling you’re trapped comes from your own fears of losing yourself, it’s actually an opportunity to redefine who you want to be and accept the wonderful gift your relationship has given you: the chance to discover a new improved version of yourself and create the next level of connection with your partner”. Tudose offers advice on how to free yourself from feeling trapped without having to break up. “The best way to overcome helplessness, which is the emotion associated with being stuck, is to ask yourself this: ‘What is it that I am allowing by not choosing to take action? What is stopping me from being at peace in this relationship? What expectations do I have that are not being met, and what can I do about it?’” Long-distance relationships: tips on how to make them work She explains: “Our disappointment and unhappiness is often created by a misalignment between the reality of being with other people and our expectations of how things ‘should be’. If we clarify where this gap has come from, we can adjust our expectations and learn the lesson of that experience and get out, or accept our partner and situation for what it is. “Once there is no conflict between those two views, the feeling of being trapped will disappear.” As to how to avoid making your partner feel trapped, she says: “Show support and appreciation, encourage your partner to make choices that are productive for them and support their dreams. Encouraging new ideas without judgment or criticism is of utmost importance, because all they need is motivation to take action that puts them back in control.” Warning signs of feeling trapped ● Feeling disconnected from your partner ● Becoming more introverted, colder and less responsive ● Building an invisible protective wall around yourself ● Constantly seeking conflict, even over the most trivial of matters ● Having built-up anger and resentment towards your partner Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post