Forgiveness can be described as the ultimate form of love, as it tests the depth and strength of a couple’s feelings. It can be likened to a form of art that could take someone a lifetime to master, one that we never stop learning. It is an expression of unconditional love, without which it would be hard for couples to weather any storm or overcome obstacles in their relationships. Being forgiving doesn’t mean we are weak. On the contrary, it shows our strength and makes us even stronger. If we learn how to forgive, it will prevent us from feeling suffocated or stuck when relationship problems strike. Forgiveness helps us heal, grow, or even transform in a relationship. Furthermore, when we forgive, it doesn’t mean we are condoning the wrong that has been done, it just allows us to learn to understand, and let both parties heal and reconcile if possible and then push the reset button for the relationship. Certified relationship and intimacy coach Nathalie Sommer says forgiveness is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. She also says: “It can also be one of the hardest things to do in a relationship. But if we want a successful intimate relationship, we need to learn how to forgive. “Hurt emotions and heartache are inevitable when you open your heart to love someone. Whether it’s unkind words, small or big acts that create hurt and other build-up of events, over time they start to pile on and burden us.” “Without forgiveness it’s hard to stay connected and experience the intimate relationship we seek,” Sommer adds. At the same time, she tells us that forgiveness creates a safe space for deep personal exploration, and it allows each partner to share their vulnerability. Moreover, it can also strengthen a relationship. “It provides a powerful way to deepen your relationship and strengthen what you have together that is not possible any other way. It builds trust and fortifies the connection ,” Sommer says. “When we are hurt, our natural response is to protect ourselves and we go into ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response,” she explains. This would mean withdrawing emotionally, and withholding expressions of love – because we are trying to reduce our vulnerability in case of future hurt. Some people might go into defensive mode and arm themselves with “an arsenal of criticism”, should they need to retaliate when pain is triggered in the future, she adds. Sommer believes offering forgiveness and letting go of resentment can help create big breakthroughs. “If you think about it, no one wins when pain is left unresolved. Forgiveness allows us to move beyond our pain, to heal and grow. It also provides grace to your partner for a wrong that has been experienced. It affects both the taker and giver and encourages them to stay connected rather than hold onto resentment, guilt or shame”. She also says there is no need to rush the process, and if you want to practise being forgiving, just learn to make a conscious decision to forgive your partner as a starter. She explains that forgiveness is about you and your choice to let go of the experience of hurt and pain, not about another person’s perception of your situation or relationship. It also offers grace without any expectations. Ultimately, it takes two people to work together and take responsibility for their own emotions and not project blame. Communication is very important so that you can both talk about things and not let them fester. The best way to ask for forgiveness is by apologising to the person that you’ve hurt . Think about how you have hurt them, apologise to them, and then explain what happened and what you’re sorry for so that your partner feels that you have understood their pain. “Take responsibility by recognising where you went wrong. Don’t make any excuse or shift the blame to someone else. Next, tell the person what you plan to do to make things right between you and how you’ll act differently in the future,” Sommer says. It’s also important to forgive oneself, because feeling shame and guilt can weigh heavily on emotions and can block us from moving forward. How to be forgiving towards your partner 1. Take time to process your own emotions around the hurt 2. Look at how the hurt is showing up for you and what it takes for you to let go 3. Once you’ve forgiven, let go, so it doesn’t come up again during arguments 4. Acceptance is important and it is the final stage of letting go How to ask for forgiveness 1. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable; bare yourself to the one you love 2. Explain your emotions and make a heartfelt apology 3. Accept your partner’s reactions and emotions; don’t criticise them 4. Take responsibility and be willing to make commitments on the way forward 5. Be patient with your partner as the recovery journey depends on how deep the hurt is; everyone forgives in their own time Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post